Thursday, January 6, 2011

If Jesus was a blogger...updated to add: What would Justin Bieber Blog?

I got to thinking while running the other day. What would Jesus say if He was a blogger? I know this image is a God- like one, but it was the best i can do.

Anyway, here is what i think Jesus would say:


1. My Mom Mary is a really sweet woman. But i really would never want to party with my mom.

2. And here is why: MY very best talent is turning water into wine. But my Mamma always has to bitch to me: "Baby" she says, "I think that is enough water turning for now."....JUST when the party is getting started.

3. (I hate it so much when she calls me 'Baby'.) And yeah i know, it's hard to imagine Mary being a bitch.

4. What REALLY bugs me most is she and my 'Semi-Dad-Joseph' are always asking me who is my girlfriend.

5. The reason it bugs me is i think they are worried that i might be gay.

6. And so what if i am? I think they knew before I did that Judas was a Bad Boy and you know how everyone, gay or hetero, goes for the Bad Boy/Girl. I think they were afraid i had a crush on Judas.

7. And the truth is i sort of did. However, I was on to Judas from the start, attractive as he might be he still creeped me out a little, sort of like that one Baldwin brother living in your world. (I think his name is Stephen.)

8. I know what you are thinking. How could i even say 'i think his name is Stephen'? Shouldn't Jesus be ALL KNOWING?

9. The truth is that's my Dad, not me.

8. And back to Judas for a moment: it doesn't matter to me how hot I may have thought Judas was. I still have a good work ethic. And I knew what I was supposed to do.

9. And though i may have forgiven Judas. And i know i should forgive the same time I wouldn't mind kicking some Pontius Pilate ass.

10. Here's another thing. I am NOT the narcisisst that some folks need to make me out to be. You don't have to capitalize the "H" when you say 'he' or 'him'.

11. But most of all, i don't give a fuck if you say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" or whatever. Don't blame me for that mess.

12. If it were my choice i would choose "Hey Ya" as the appropriate greeting. leave ME out of it.

13. OOps, i didn't really mean to capitalize the "m" in "me" above. It just happened.


jojo cucina cucina said...

Ok...what do y'all think Jesus would have to say in the blogosphere?

jojo cucina cucina said...

P.S. Swiss i just posted behind you about Johnny Depp on the previous blog post. Isn't that The Best Vanity Fair cover ever?

louielouie said...

I don't know if Jesus would blog or not, but I'm sure he wouldn't have a FaceBook account.

Makes me think about other potential bloggers. . .

jojo cucina cucina said...

I think Jesus would TOTALLY have a Facebook account. He would have about 2 billion friends.

jojo cucina cucina said...

And then He would never have time for any miracles because he would be Facebooking all day. Come to think of it, maybe that's what is happening right now.

equeyaya said...


what kind of wing were you drinking when you posted this, jo?

I think he would also post about no way are Sarah Palin and others his mouthpieces.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I was drinking some red wine, but since it was Thursday, it wasn't that much. I think i'm pretty funny. LOL!

louielouie said...

I've been working on a witty post, but my imagination is wanting.

just can't match jo

Jo, I think maybe it's because the title question is incorrect; it's not "if Jesus WAS a blogger" but rather, if he WERE a blogger. There is something about the "if" that makes the plural the correct choice, but I can't remember.

Where is Island Pearl when you need her???

Googled it and it's something about the subjunctive and the conditional future. Apparently, the subjunctive is a special, relatively rare verb form in English. I would include the link here if I knew how and it wouldn't make you all throw up.

I also found out Beyonce has a song" If I Were A Boy".

Who knew.

louielouie said...

oh, oh

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway, would you have my baby?

that is sort of a Jesus-post related

jojo cucina cucina said...

louie, you just outdid Island Pearl. LOL. Except maybe she wouldn't have to Google it.

I often get the were/was wrong. And i think it's one of those things i will always struggle with because the right answer seems wrong.

i thought i had it correct because while I know Jesus is part of the other two dudes with the Holy Trinity and all that, I just meant Jesus. And when it's not plural, it just seems like it needs to be "WAS" not "WERE".

In any case, i don't think Jesus minds grammatical errors. I already had Him saying the f-word!

Modern Hippie said...

so you told me I would love this post, because its about jesus "bashing" i'm sure. but it was too much religion for me, haha!!

I havent read through all the comments but on this last one about jesus and his grammatical errors, I think he would actually be pretty stupid, education and knowledge wasnt even created yet.

jojo cucina cucina said...

This post is NOT Jesus bashing. And Jesus would not be stupid. Education and knowledge not being created? WTF do you mean by that ms hippie???

Also Jesus probably spoke Hebrew (or whatever that language was in that Mel Gibson movie), so the subjuntive grammar error wouldn't be an issue.

louielouie said...


I suppose if you're saying that Jesus did not speak the King's English, but rather the local dialect of Nazareth, the town of his conception like his fellow countrymen, you're also implying he may have looked Arabic? So does that mean Mary did not have blonde hair and blue eyes?

Dang so does that mean all those Nativity sets made in China are not historically accurate?

Interesting thing about flaxen haired individuals, females are blonde and males are blond.

just thought you would want to know. . .

jojo cucina cucina said...

Mary used Midnight Sun by Lady Clairol. Which was my favorite brand in high school. When she didn't have time, she use Sun-In. Remember that stuff?

The 'e' is gender specific in the word blonde? I have always spelled it blonde.

Swiss said...

BTW, Jesus tell your Dad thanks for that Johnny Depp article, in fact just plain thanks for Johnny Depp.

Also I think that walking on water thing was really groovy.

I love the healing stuff too, I wish you could come hit on my back, leg, hip whatever is casing me pain because I would love to run and even dreamed I was playing tennis the other night.

But I know you love me like I am.

Swiss said...

Fix causing for me too, so I don't look like a dorky speller.

equeyaya said...

haha swiss! i can add my thanks for Johnny Depp, too!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Swisss! LOLOL... Definitely God needs to be thanked for Johnny D. And yes, the walking on the water. Jesus would definitely have to bring that up on his blog. It's not as good as turning water into wine, IMO, but it's pretty groovy!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Amanda, where are you? I'm thinking you totally have something to add to this one!

jojo cucina cucina said...

just so allay'all know, i'm not moving this blog until Amanda sees it and/or the number of posts hits 30. I think my Jesus as a Blogger is funny enough to leave up. AND i wanted to see what everyone else would come up with as a blog post Jesus might make.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Also i want to make this disclaimer: Facebook is really really starting to bore me. Nothing much happens there. And i think if not for work (the reason i got it in the first place) i would be willing to deactivate it. Other than the photos i am finding it to be very very banal. Equeyaya had the New Year's Resolution to Facebook less and read more and i think i'm going to try and follow that lead.

However, i will still be blogging.

equeyaya said...

I'm not doing very well with that resolution. :o

And now I'm starting to get twitter, which is a cool way to follow different things that interest me. Ryan Montbleau, Paste, The Daily Show, etc. So I have these windows open on my desktop at work all day.

And I'm not reading. And I'm not rewatching LOST or catching up on movies. But I DVR's Julie and Julia, so I'm finally going to watch that tonight.

louielouie said...

so I don't know why, maybe all my childhood trips to the midwest, but this very funny post of Jo's made me think not of what Jesus would post, but what would Babe the Blue Ox blog?

So here goes; figure it will take me a coupe of entries to get it posted.

If Babe the Blue Ox Had A Blog part I

1. Paul Bunion. He’s a great guy, I mean huge. But I really would never want to party with him

2. And here is why: MY very best talent is binge drinking. But Paul is a GIANT teetotaler, he’s always baby, baby don’t drink like that, I care so much about you.

3. (I hate it so much when he calls me 'Baby'.) He’s all “you know you need to drink more water than you do wine” but it’s not me he cares about, it’s the damned environment. he’s been all worried the Great Lakes ever since I drained El Mirage Lake after the last wine tasting.

3. And yeah I know, it's hard to imagine Paul all mushy like. I don’t think he’s really worried about me, he’s just afraid I’m going to ruin our All-American pioneer image.

5. Paul’s not really an ass; he used to be a partier but when he was drinking he would get so mean, that he'd never drink nothin' but kerosene,
 And a five-gallon can is a little bit small . . . for Paul.

6. So now he’s on the wagon, some lumber-jack 12 step thing, which is fine except he gets all “holier than thou” on us. Remember, during a recent cold spell, when he decided to cure all the men in camp of swearing. Whenever a man dropped a cuss-word, Paul had it picked up, labeled with the man's name, and forced each man to listen to his baleful of cuss words when they thawed in the spring. You can imagine how that went over!!

louielouie said...

7. What REALLY bugs me most is all the denials that he and his lumberjacks were gay.

8. The reason it bugs me is he thinks I don’t know. I’m mean scheese, I may be an ox but even I think can figure out Paul’s whole big-ax compensation thing, trying to maintain sort of “manly image” when give me a break, he lives in a men’s only compound and those rowdy-women-seeking trips into Kalispell aren’t’ fooling anyone.

9. But back to Paul for a moment: it doesn't matter to me how hot he is. I’m a blue ox for god’s sake, don’t go for the two-legged creatures.

10. Paul and I made this country what it is today. Just where would you all be without the Rocky Mountains, Grand Canyon, Lake Michigan and so on. I know that there are a lot of claims about how the world began, but none can argue about how the North American continent was shaped. It was all Paul, and me; I knew what I was supposed to do.

11. Things have slowed some, the economy is bad and we’re all getting older. I still have a good work ethic, but am going to channel my efforts into a memoir; set some facts straight. Folks think I passed on and Paul buried me (cresting the Black Hills) but it was all a stunt to let me retire in peace. It’s hard out there for a giant blue ox. But the retirement boredom is getting me down, so here I am. Back. Hope all you ya-yas will post often on Babe’s Blue Blog.

louielouie said...

so, there it is, what I think Babe The Blue Ox would say after perusing the Almighty's blog.

ps, don't think Babe does much proofreading, never having had a formal education, his grammar was all self-taught.

Amanda said...

Jo, this is such a good topic but my brain is so addled from surgery and pain and my inability to f-ing walk that I can't comment in any creative or humorous way. I owe you one, okay?

equeyaya said...

Babe the Blue Blog, bwahahahaha!!!! I haven't thought about Paul Bunyan since 5th grade, louie! You are too much.

Amanda, I hope you feel better soon!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Amanda, OMG, i just saw your photos on Facebook of your knee. I knew you had surgery but i was hoping you feel well enough soon. Stay in touch. I posted on your blog to see if you needed me to send books home with Brian. let me know. I hope you bounce back quickly!

louie, i think you outdid yourself with Babe the Blue Ox. So was it Hendricks fueling you? Though i'm thinking it Bushmills.

eque louie wondered out loud today if anyone would remember the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox story!

I'm going to leave this up a little bit longer because i think it's one of my better blog posts and i am still hoping some of y'all will add your own ideas about what Jesus or Babe or...pick your own celebrity blogger. And write what you think they would blog about.

also i don't have another idea just now, but i'll come up with one next week.

I'm cooking Weight Watchers Points Plus Bolognese sauce for dinner and listening to my new Gerry Rafferty cd that i bought from iTunes. Brian and i have tomorrow off and we're helping my brother move to his cool beach cabin. But it will be a sad day for him since he is leaving his other life behind. He loved that house.

In the meantime, Brian and i are thinking very seriously about building a house. I put this down for the record cause i'm not sure how long it will take to get there, but i like having a date when we first talked about it. I'm looking online already.

Amanda, you might not feel well enough to come back here but if so, how long are you going to be off work?

louielouie said...

Having trouble with Holy Blogging ideas too Amanda, and don't even have your excuse.

I think you should take this recuperation time to watch bad TV; there's a lot out there for you to enjoy.

Another piece of advice, do not do any online shopping while still under the influence - and I hope you are. That's what makes the bad TV so good.

equeyaya said...

That's exciting about planning a house together!

(I think this makes me comment #30 - same as my age, hahaha!!!)

jojo cucina cucina said...

LOL, equeyaya! If you are 30 then i guess i must only be 38!

I know i'm milking this one but it's partly cause i like it so much but mostly cause i haven't been inspired.

I did come up with this idea:

Justin Bieber's Blog

But i think i need to be drinking wine to do it.

Amanda, if you are reading, do heed louielouie's advice!

Amanda said...

The anesthesiologist actually told me to give my credit cards to someone to keep for 48 hours so I don't do any online shopping or gambling. I thought that was so funny. When I first hurt my knee in October, I was bored and I had on online shopping bender...without medication! Haha!

I always buy beauty products. What do you buy when you're feeling down?

Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm doing much better today. Got more pain pills and I'm under strict orders to take them. No problemo!

I'm back at work now. Yesterday was my first day back. Brian could probably testify to my "on the verge of meltdown" state yesterday. I was so sick and in so much pain, a total mess, but it's better today since I don't have to ration meds.

I love Gerry Rafferty. "Baker Street" is one of my all-time favorite songs. I love it, love it.

I saw Justin Bieber on the Today show and he was such a little prick. He was arrogant and snotty, and so full of himself. Considering he sounds like a girl and looks like Hillary Swank, he should be a bit more humble.

equeyaya said...

He's on the cover of Vanity Fair this month, lol. I finally got the Johnny Depp issue. Amy buys me the subscription every year and I told her I thought it lapsed because I never got that issue. So she called them and they mailed me a copy. I'm just reading the article now.

I really don't know anything about Justin Bieber, except that my kids think he's a joke. I probably won't know any more about him either, because I'm not likely to read the article.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Justin Bieber blogging idea came about because of the Vanity Fair, eque! I am embarrassed to have that issue in my house. It's so stupid with the kisses on his face. I knew Annie Liebowitz wasn't responsible for that.

Amanda!!!! i cannot believe you have even been at work. Brian told me you were having a hard time but felt better today. That is so funny about your anesthesiologist telling you to hand over your credit cards. (I would have kept them safe.) I should have offered that service to my great friend louielouie when she had her foot surgery and bought a bunch of stuff. But who knew?

OK, let's talk about Justin Bieber for a second. I have no idea what he would blog. Maybe on Friday when i have some wine i will get inspired. But i did indeed read the article in the privacy of my own bathtub where no one could catch me. He sounds like a know it all teenager who thinks his shit is all together and who won't make the same mistakes that smarter celebrities did. But my prediction is he will be in some deep kaka/caca (sp?) very soon because he will either get some 14 year ol girl pregnant, or trash a hotel room and get arrested or will be caught fondling himself and/or maybe another boy in a public restroom.

In the article it mentions there is a website about Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. So the Hillary Swank reference makes sense to me.

louielouie said...

I am so NOT going to even try to think about what Justin Bieber might blog

I am so NOT going to read the Justin Bieber article in Vanity Fair. I will, however, read the Political Entertainment one. May or may not read about Kennedy; I have to ration my reading. Don't have much time after I'm done with my crossword, the Jumble and horoscope.

Amanda, I purchased coats even kept one.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Justin Bieber blogging:

1. I'm more popular than Jesus!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Jesus blogging:

I recently heard about the pop star Justin Bieber thinks he is more popular than me.

This disappoints me. That's the thanks i get for giving him such great hair.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Jesus blogging:

He doesn't get that i can make it happen where tomorrow he wakes up and looks in the mirror and sees the face of John Malk0vich staring right back at him.

jojo cucina cucina said...

John Malkovich blogging:

Jesus. PLEASE.... do NOT connect me in any way to that little twit, Justin Bieber. Can't you make him look more like Steve Bucemi? He was a Catholic. Make him look like Steve.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Steve Bucemi blogging:

I just found out about this blog post from this jocucina person. (Angelina Jolie sent it to me.)

And yeah i know i am no Brad Pitt, but i also don't think i am as ugly as John Malkovich. And so therefore my feelings are hurt.

I think if this post is about Justin Bieber my pick for the image staring back at him in the mirror would be Susan Boyle.

I'm sorry Susan.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Susan Boyle Blogging:

Steve Bucemi, you are a two bit actor. Nobody goes to see a movie because YOU are in it. I do not care what you think. So take your skinny little ass and run it through that Fargo wood chipper.

equeyaya said...

Coen Brothers Blogging:

OK, Susan Boyle, you asked for it. We are remaking Fargo and running Steve Bucemi (whoever that is) AND Justin Bieber through the woodchipper. Got any other suggestions?

equeyaya said...

OMG, what if any of these people google themselves and land here? lol!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Justin Bieber blogging:

I'm sorry Jesus. I didn't mean it. i don't want to make the Coen Brothers mad.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Justin Bieber blogging:

Who is Steve Bucemi?

jojo cucina cucina said...

The Dude blogging:

Justin Bieber is an arrogant little pissant not fit to wipe the snot from Steve Bucemi's nose. I hate Justin Bieber more than i hate the fucking Eagles.

jojo cucina cucina said...

jojo blogging:

I'm too tired to think of anything new, but i hope to get this changed my tomorrow night or Saturday. My nights are consumed with looking online for houses. There are some really crappy houses. People need to stage their homes! I cannot stress this enough.

I have looked at over 300 homes in our price range. I am not exaggerating. And when i say look, i mean reading about the taxes, when it sold last, etc. plus looking at every photo. Out of those 300 homes we have looked at 4. We look at 2 tomorrow. I have found some dream homes but there are issues like too long a commute, or one car garage (we need at least a 2 car like we have now because we have 3 cars so that makes it difficult.) Or it's too big. I want only about 500 more square feet. Or the price is just out of our range even if they came down.

I do like doing this. I think if the market were good i might the idea of being a realtor. I love researching stuff online.