Friday, February 13, 2015

Jojo's Self Help Book Chapter Titles

This is the Valentine's card that louie bought for her husband. She took a photo and sent it to me by email. I put it in Photoshop, enhanced it and now I'm recycling it to my husband and that is going to be MY Valentine's Day card. I think it's so funny: "Thinking of You".....Brian will think so too since we don't celebrate V-Day. 
I often go back to a long ago post about a self help book that louie/Sarah and i were going to write and when i am running or can't sleep i think of titles of chapters that book. Just that. Only the titles. It's  more fun than actually trying to come up with the actual advice - i believe it was the actual advice that derailed our idea of the book. (This might seem weird to some folks who know me because i have an irritating propensity to offer unwanted advice to everyone. )

Anyway i came up with many of these chapter ideas a couple of nights ago at 3 in the morning and wrote them down in NOTES on my iPad. Then i got to thinking what we all came up with ideas for a self help book and then actually tackled them one by one, all of us offering our own advice? What do you think?

Anyway, here is what i came up with for starters: (Disclaimer: I mostly have no ideas for the advice just yet,  just the titles. So just make them up. Ask yourself: What do people need advice on most?)

1. What not to say at funerals.

2. Always use this alibi when caught doing something bad.

3. How to talk yourself out of a speeding ticket when you're not so cute anymore.

4. A better way to piss off an asshole without having to kill them.

5. Three easy ways to make your house look clean when it isn't.

6. How to write a sympathy card for someone you don't really know that well.

7. How to get over Writer's Block. (My idea on how to get over this i will list right now in case i forget later: Pull two cards from the Cards Against Humanity box and then start writing).

8. Extracting yourself from a boring person at a party without coming across as a douchebag.

9. The best appetizer to bring to a party when you're uncertain of the kind of party it is.

10. Respond this way when someone tells you a racist/sexist joke.

11.  Things you need to quit doing on Facebook.

12. Don't ever say this when talking about your child's accomplishments/mistakes.

13. How to compliment someone when you don't want to sound phony but also don't want to be mean.

Notes to Self: 
Word Count: 395
Weather yesterday: high: 61 degrees; low: 45 (broke record highs this week!)
Sunrise/sunset: 7:19 am; 5:31 pm (24 more minutes of daylight since last week's post!)
Book: My 3rd Kristina Riggle book this week: The Things We Didn't Say. After this it's back to Fall of the Giants
Longest Run: 43 minutes. My plantar fasciitis in my right foot is recovered. Left knee is still bothersome.
Number of cat photos hidden on Facebook: 3
Number of cat photos i shared myself: 2
Bad News: Jon Stewart leaving The Daily Show
Good News: Mitt Romney is not going to run for President in 2016.


pearl said...

1. What not to say at funerals:
"She looks like she's sleeping."
She's not sleeping. She's dead. She's never waking up. You're not helping.

9. Brie en croute with fruit
Tasty. Healthy. Rhymes.

11. Posting crappy photos.
If you take 5 photos and 2 turn out really nice, by all means post them. Do NOT share the 3 fuzzy underexposed ones.

13. Best thing I ever said was to a fairly large friend who had crammed herself into a rather medium sized dress (note: we were both in a dressing room trying on clothes): "B., love, you are way too much woman for that dress!"

jojo cucina cucina said...

pearl! I love that you came here with some actual advice! I agree about the looking like they're sleeping. I would add this one:

"At least they died doing something they loved." such as in mountain climbing, or skydiving, or drag car racing, especially if their significant other didn't do those things with them.

Do you have any chapter titles you want to add for self-help advice?

jojo cucina cucina said...

Oh yes! and i loved your sly, sensitive way of telling a friend the dress is not becoming on them.

#5. Three ways to make your house look clean.

1) Clean everything off your kitchen counters and tables by hiding it in the dishwasher or behind cupboards.

2. If you have carpet, vacuum and make those lines in the nap.

3. Use low lighting. Lighting on the floor behind an item like a plant (books in my case) an easy chair gives the room a homey glow and helps to not show dirt.

jojo cucina cucina said...

#10. Raise your eyebrows and respond with, "I must have misheard you." Then excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.

pearl said...

14. Getting through TSA without landing in lockup or being mobbed by angry fellow travelers.

15. Knowing the difference between right and privilege.

16. 50 ways to leave your lover.