Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Dear Abby is Overpaid. My second entry applying for Guest Columist to the News Tribune

If you have Facebook, this will be redundant because i just added it on my profile page. I wanted to have it here too so that i have it archived on my blog.

I found out i had to come up with a second entry to apply for one of The News Tribune Guest Columnist for this year. Tomorrow is the deadline. So i came up with a topic:
The only person on the planet, whoever this bitch is, who can pull off skinny jeans! And i do believe she's the only one. Keep reading and this will make sense....

Dear Abby is Overpaid.

Recently there was a Dear Abby letter from a husband who needed Abby to help save his marriage. His wife had snooped through his computer’s browser history and found pages of women’s sexy lips. That was it – just sexy lips. And she got mad, calling it porn. Seriously, this was going to break up a marriage? Abby’s advice? Buy her a tube of red lipstick.

Dear Abby is overpaid because her writers are so stupid. I think if The News Tribune hired ME in place of Abby (for a fraction of the cost!) I would not only dispense the most excellent advice, I would also bring in smarter people.

As a resume for the job I offer up a sampling of my own random advice that everyone can use.

1. On weekends the first thing you should do when you wake up is make your bed. (That way you won't crawl back into it, thereby wasting away your time off.)

2. Wash your sheets on Thursday so that they feel great for the weekend. (Of course this could make it harder to get out of bed, which sort of negates Advice #1.)

3. Two cups of coffee is all any normal person needs. One is even better.

4. Women, do not tweeze your eyebrows after three glasses of wine. Men? Not even when you’re sober!

5. Don't loan your good stuff to anyone who you believe could get arrested at any time.

6. If you are a voracious reader and a bookstore lover, do not marry someone whose idea of literature is People magazine.

7. Here is my revised formula for women who should NOT wear skinny jeans: (I actually had an elaborate formula for this and threw it out. This is much simpler.) Measure your height: If you are not at least 6 feet tall, forget it. I don’t even care how much you weigh or how young you are.

8. Don't show your belly in regular everyday clothes unless you are under the age of 6.

9. If you are older than 28 and wear your bangs cut in a straight even line across your forehead, stop doing that.

10. If possible, always bring your own pillow if you travel.

11. Send handwritten thank you notes, even for small things.

12. Write your legislator when you feel strongly about something. Don't assume some other person will get that message out for you. And if you neglect to take the time to do this, then don't complain when your legislator doesn't do what you feel is right.

13. After you turn 40, make sure your bathroom has good lighting so you don't feel terrible about looking in the mirror. And never, ever buy one of those magnifying mirror that is more than 2 X magnification, or you will never leave the house.

14. Take calcium with Vitamin D every day.

15. Refrain from correcting people in public when they are wrong if you know in their heart they truly meant no harm.

16 When the winter doldrums and concrete colored sky start getting you down, buy yourself flowers, even if it is just one daffodil.

17. Rearrange your living room furniture. You will be surprised what a lift it can give!

18. Listen to music every day.

19. Do NOT listen to sad music if you are sad. I have just the song for you: I recommend buying this little song from iTunes: It’s called “75 and Sunny” by Ryan Montbleau. 

Notes to Self: 
Sunset: 4:39 pm
High temperature: 52 degrees
Low: 46 degrees
Page views today: 48
All time page views: 38,407


jojo cucina cucina said...

Damn. No comments. really? I gave The News Tribune my blog URL when i applied for Guest Columnist. If they check it they will think my blog is lame and won't choose me!.... In fact today's views i am copying and pasting below: Damn, the Bad Boyfriend story, which is the highest viewed blog post of all got 17 views and my current Dear Abby post has none.

Bad Boyfriend Story. Bad Girlfriend Story.
Apr 3, 2009, 32 comments

Jesus doesn't have a Facebook Page
Jan 3, 2013, 16 comments

Enough of the positive shit.
Feb 8, 2012, 17 comments
1 view

jojo cucina cucina said...

I'm thinking the Bad Boyfriend story views are accidental hits on Google inquiries. Maybe i need to make a new Bad Boyfriend post. I think that will be my next one. Because i certainly have more than one Bad Boyfriend story and i am sure y'all do too.

louielouie said...

The most recent Dear Abby I read was about the wife of a Washington State teacher whose husband was engaging in inappropriate online activity with his students. She said she didn’t know what to do because she and her husband “lived a comfortable life” – that’s when I knew it was a fake. No family lives a comfortable life on one teacher’s salary.
Does Dear Abby respond to al queries as if they are for real?

Maybe Jo should start writing to Dear Abby to get advice regarding her column.

Most of Jo’s advice is good but some times a sad song when you’re sad results in a cleansing cry. I recommend it.

Two cups of coffee IS plenty, and is actually too many if you go for the extra large size and it includes chocolate, flavored syrups or whipped cream. Sprinkles are never OK.

Guess I need to return my skinny jeans.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Good catch on the living comfortably on a teacher salary! Hahaha. I read that this week too! I didn't even notice it was Washington state! Lord...i hope it's not one of our members. I was afraid Abby wasn' t even going to mention the harm to the young students but she did (though almost as an aside) at the end. But see what i mean about stupid reader/advice seekers?

If you need to cry i totally recommend it ...but you shouldn't need a sad song to get you there because then you're setting yourself up ...manipulating sadness for sadness sake. I think some people enjoy doing that. But then again emotionally stoic people like myself might benefit from a little bit of jarring.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Getting ready to watch Seahawks. I think they will win because Nate Silver says Seahawks are in the Superbowl with the Patriots and i believe Nate!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Uh oh.....nate probably got it wrong..it's 20-0....

~grits~ said...

woohooo I think I can finally read and comment here again!!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Yay, Grits!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you got it going!

jojo cucina cucina said...

The Seahawks unbelievably almost pulled it out except they left 30 seconds on the clock and Atlanta got the field goal. Seahawks almost came back to win the game. Very cool playoff game. So here's what i think: Nate got part of it right, I think it will Patriots and Falcons in the Superbowl because of Nate's prediction.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Watched part of the Golden Globes last night. Everyone is making a fuss about Jodie Foster's speech. I thought it was weird. And if i were a gay actor who had publicly come out i would feel alittle bit pissed i think. Besides we all knew anyway without really even needing her to make a big fuss about how she didn't need to make a fuss.

I loved Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and wish they could host the snobby Academy Awards. I felt that Ben Affleck must have been mortified he forgot George Clooney, but George making a joke about it made it all better for Ben i think. But that's what you get when you try to thank too many peope in a short period of time.

if i won a Golden Globe, here is what i would say.

"I want to thank myself mostly, for believing i could really be a good enough liar to pull off acting so believably well that you give me an award. I would also like to thank my husband because i don't want anyone to think that we are breaking up if i don't. But truthfully he had nothing to do with it. And the rest of y'all who i need to thank already know who you are. I'll thank you privately over wine later and i might even send you an engraved thank you that i actually address myself rather than bore all of these people here who give a rip about speeches."

Amanda said...

I love your speech, Jo.

I also love the Augusten Burroughs book. He's that best friend we all need.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I knew you would like that book Amanda. I believe it's the only self help book anyone needs! I know not everyone would agree but i love his straightforward approach. He feels like a kindred spirit.

You know that old quote by Ogden Nash ...i think: "True friends stab you in the front."

Are you moving Amanda? I keep checking your blog...but no update.

jojo cucina cucina said...

the original Dear Abby died today. ... i thought she was already dead! She was 94 years old! Damn, I hope dissing Abby doesn't hurt my chances of being the Tribune's Guest Columnist.

I'll be changing this blog probably tomorrow (Friday) when i have some wine. the Subject Line: License to Snark.