I found out i had to come up with a second entry to apply for one of The News Tribune Guest Columnist for this year. Tomorrow is the deadline. So i came up with a topic:
|The only person on the planet, whoever this bitch is, who can pull off skinny jeans! And i do believe she's the only one. Keep reading and this will make sense....|
Dear Abby is Overpaid.
Recently there was a Dear Abby letter from a husband who needed Abby to help save his marriage. His wife had snooped through his computer’s browser history and found pages of women’s sexy lips. That was it – just sexy lips. And she got mad, calling it porn. Seriously, this was going to break up a marriage? Abby’s advice? Buy her a tube of red lipstick.
Dear Abby is overpaid because her writers are so stupid. I think if The News Tribune hired ME in place of Abby (for a fraction of the cost!) I would not only dispense the most excellent advice, I would also bring in smarter people.
As a resume for the job I offer up a sampling of my own random advice that everyone can use.
1. On weekends the first thing you should do when you wake up is make your bed. (That way you won't crawl back into it, thereby wasting away your time off.)
2. Wash your sheets on Thursday so that they feel great for the weekend. (Of course this could make it harder to get out of bed, which sort of negates Advice #1.)
3. Two cups of coffee is all any normal person needs. One is even better.
4. Women, do not tweeze your eyebrows after three glasses of wine. Men? Not even when you’re sober!
5. Don't loan your good stuff to anyone who you believe could get arrested at any time.
6. If you are a voracious reader and a bookstore lover, do not marry someone whose idea of literature is People magazine.
7. Here is my revised formula for women who should NOT wear skinny jeans: (I actually had an elaborate formula for this and threw it out. This is much simpler.) Measure your height: If you are not at least 6 feet tall, forget it. I don’t even care how much you weigh or how young you are.
8. Don't show your belly in regular everyday clothes unless you are under the age of 6.
9. If you are older than 28 and wear your bangs cut in a straight even line across your forehead, stop doing that.
10. If possible, always bring your own pillow if you travel.
11. Send handwritten thank you notes, even for small things.
12. Write your legislator when you feel strongly about something. Don't assume some other person will get that message out for you. And if you neglect to take the time to do this, then don't complain when your legislator doesn't do what you feel is right.
13. After you turn 40, make sure your bathroom has good lighting so you don't feel terrible about looking in the mirror. And never, ever buy one of those magnifying mirror that is more than 2 X magnification, or you will never leave the house.
14. Take calcium with Vitamin D every day.
15. Refrain from correcting people in public when they are wrong if you know in their heart they truly meant no harm.
16 When the winter doldrums and concrete colored sky start getting you down, buy yourself flowers, even if it is just one daffodil.
17. Rearrange your living room furniture. You will be surprised what a lift it can give!
18. Listen to music every day.
19. Do NOT listen to sad music if you are sad. I have just the song for you: I recommend buying this little song from iTunes: It’s called “75 and Sunny” by Ryan Montbleau.
Notes to Self:
Sunset: 4:39 pm
High temperature: 52 degrees
Low: 46 degrees
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