Thursday, January 3, 2013

Jesus doesn't have a Facebook Page save your prayers ...+ more Facebook Rants!

i am never more happy than when i am ranting about stuff. And i've been talking about my love/hate relationship with Facebook ever since i joined. Now that Sarah/louielouie is on Facebook i thought it might be fun for us all to rant about what we hate about Facebook. 

I hope i don't offend anyone if i list something you do often. Please don't take it personally. If you were the only one, i wouldn't mind, but that's not always the case.     --jo     

Here we go... I sort of have an idea about what i am going to say, but i think some stuff will just come to me as i go:

1. First off I've been sick for a whole week now. And you didn't see it on Facebook now, did you? I wouldn't even mention it here except to make my point. If you are sick, why are you even thinking about Facebook? You know how i knew i was sick? ... i didn't want a glass of wine, i missed running 6 days in a row (that hasn't happened in over 3 years),  my head hurt too much for me to even read a book, and i didn't feel like checking Facebook.

If you are posting about being sick on Facebook, turn off the computer and get your ass to work. I do not feel sorry for you. Because you're not THAT sick. (I do, however feel sorry for me, and i want you to also, because i was sick on my vacation days!)

2. OMG, the e-card cutie shit. Please stop with that! If you made up the quote or joke yourself, well get on with your bad clever self then...but if you are constantly stealing it from Pinterest - just know that everyone else is (and i bet even louielouie's 6 friends too) are already duplicating that post. Redundancy is a Facebook sin!

3. Quit posting those sad and gruesome photos of the babies with the deformities so that everyone can send prayers. First of all. Jesus doesn't have a Facebook page. (I know, cause I checked.)  I recently hid a photo of a baby that was being passed around:  the baby had been born with his heart on the outside of his body. I am not kidding. Nobody needs this on Facebook.

4. If someone you love is dying of cancer, do not put it on Facebook for everyone to see. It's far too serious. Email your real friends, you know you can do that at the same time. ,The rest of us who don't really know you for real don't need this information and never know what to say, except the usual banality and i'm sure that doesn't make you feel better anyway.

I don't think Facebook was set up to break horrible bad news to people and it's a risk to do this, not to mention a lazy way to get information out. AND if i ever get really sick and someone posted it on Facebook, i will tell you now that i won't be so sick that i can't come over and kick some ass.

5. You know those posts with all the letters in rows? They ask you what is the first word you see. OK, it's ALWAYS LOVE or some other touchy feely word, and it's usually positioned exactly where the eye is trained to go, on the left upper corner near the top, but not at the top top. You are not special for finding this hidden word, okay? And it doesn't make you a nicer person because you found it. Because i find it every single time.

6. Same with those photos of trying to find the hidden faces in pictures. Those are easy. They don't make you a genius. If you can't find them, then you are probably drunk on your ass. (Though normally, i highly recommend posting on Facebook while slightly enebriated... makes it more interesting.)

7. If you only posts photos of your babies and children, you are getting hidden by me. I love photos of babies doing unusual things and with special smiles. But you have to post other things too for me to like them. I don't need to see 84,000 photos of your kid who pretty much looks the same in every one of them. In fact, before you even post any photos, think about how redundant they might be.

8. If you are going to post about politics, this is fine. I love reading about politics most times. I like hearing about opinions too. But be careful. Do do not incite folks to start a raging war on your post. That just makes you a total ass. Use words about how you feel about something. Don't intentionally try to inflame. Otherwise that makes you a Republican! (hahah, just kidding.)

I have more of these. I'm just getting started. PLEASE come add yours. And please don't take it personally if i mention something you do here. I honestly don't think i am talking about anyone who is a regular here anyway.

Mark Zuckerberg should make me the Facebook Czar. I will be looking for a job soon!

Notes to Self: 
Sunset: 4:33 pm
All time blog posts: 38, 114
Blog views yesterday: 33
In the news: fiscal cliff averted (not sure averted is the right word....)


jojo cucina cucina said...

OOOh, i just changed up my template and i like this new cleaner look much better.

louielouie said...

What bugs me about Facebook so far:

1. saying no to all those friend requests

2. saying yes to my exhusband and then reading his rant against unions

3. thinking I should be posting something but having nothing to say

4. being too scared to post anything

5. the whole photo tagging deal

What I like about Facebook

1. learning that my son and fiancee have ordered a bouquet and a lei, are reserving the reception room/tent and arranging for a singer

2. learning the brides grandmother will be at the wedding

Both helped me to decide - I'm going to Guam for the wedding!!!!!

Amanda said...

Here are my three (in addition to yours, which are perfect):

• Lovey-dovey messages between people you know have bad marriages. "I love my husband blah, blah, blah" and "I'm so lucky to have married my best friend" and "My husband is so sexy." Barfo. My only joy is in the divorce and angry cheating posts that follow six months later.

• Self-portraits of boobs. For some reason, my bustier friends can't take their own picture without their boobs dominating the center of the frame. Of course, it's always accidental. I'm sure they had no idea that their boobs were hanging out in every stinking picture.

• Overly dramatic, mysterious posts aimed at getting people to ask what's wrong. Actual examples: "I've never been this nervous before," "I can't believe how stupid I've been," "The one person who would understand is the one person off-limits to me." Agh!

MaryAnn said...

It is Day 4 of not smoking, so FB is probably the worst place for me to visit these days! Just about everything posted is either pissing me off or irritating me to pieces!

A couple of my favorites: The need to "check in" every single place one visits. I'm fairly certain my oil changes at Jiffy Lube have never been of any interest to anyone, so I am not understanding the need for everyone else to tell me that's where they are. Or the bank, really? See, when I pull up to the TD BankNorth I'm just thinking "the line better not be long" NOT "where's my phone?" WHY does this crap get posted??

Amanda mentioned lovey dovey comments. How about the couples and their simultaneous postings?? Both of them telling us how simply glorious dinner was tonight and go on to describe the exact same meal...sigh. It gets particularly riveting when they start to thank each other on each other gets particularly ridiculous when you know they are sitting right next to each other! Oh the lovey dovey people get me every time! The great announcements over the littlest things to show the world how their significant other is just the greatest thing ever! A few weeks ago I actually had to endure posts by 2 people. 1.) went on and on how she couldnt wait to land at Logan Airport because she knew her boyfriend would be waiting. 2.) the other, simultaneously posting about how it was the best trip to airport he was ever going to make because he was picking up the love of his life. (I swear I'm not making this sh*t up) Anyhoo, I couldn't resist thinking (and unfortunately posting) that perhaps that was the demise of my marriage years ago...I didn't throw a parade and take out a full page ad when hubbie stopped to pick up a gallon of milk...

I could go on and on but that would be hyjacking and I know my not smoking at the moment is making me bitter! I love FB, really, I DO!!!

jojo cucina cucina said...

louie, i can't believe you're spending the money to go to Guam! BTW, i saw Jim on your Facebook page and i wondered WTF he was about too. Nick's wedding will cost more than your own wedding before your done!

Amanda....of course those lovey dovey couples. I also hate when people constantly post their status on what awesome party they are at. I feel like such a loser cause i'm home in my pajamas reading this. (Of course it matters not that this is where i exactly want to be, but what if i didn't?) And most definitely on those mystery messages!

Welcome MaryAnn! MaryAnn is a former Gumbo YaYa friend and a Facebook friend and i asked her to come over. I actually have no way of knowing who knows about this blog or not from the YaYa days since i don't typically send out an invite, but turns out MaryAnn did not know about this so she does now and i love that you are the 30th follower. I've had 29 followers only for the longest time! Congratulations on every day that you are not smoking!

Funny you mention the check ins. I decided i needed to check out my newsfeed to see who is guilty today of these infractions. One of my friends posted about getting a nail in her tire and having the gas station folks take it out for free.

By the way, i submitted an edited version of this blog to the News Tribune for their annual Guest Column Writer. Funny that i didn't really spend much time on it and i sent it after i drank two glasses of wine. (Though in proofing it today and it was good except that i had only one word left out: "I".

One of the editors, Patrick O'Callahan wrote me back and said they would let everyone know by the end of the month. I know this article is not appropriate and they would not be able to print it but i thought it might be fun for them to read as a submission as they go bug eyed reading sweet grandmother and puppy dog stories. And i told myself last year that i would apply this year to be a Guest Columnist. So i at least kept my goal.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Louie, i met Nick's wedding will cost YOU more than your own wedding. But the major question is: What will you wear??????

louielouie said...

1. this non-wedding will probably cost me more than my own two weddings put together!!

2. Except for the 20 hour travel-time I am glad to be going

3. em got her personal days approved so will join us in guam. I think the ex too

4. I have no idea what to wear. It will be on the beach in 86 degree weather

5. Rather than shopping for a mother of the groom dress, I will look for a mumu

Can't get excited about the second wedding though - -

susieatl said...

You know those like page things at the right. I've since hidden most of them but I would feel very uncomfortable when they would ask me to like God or Jesus. So if I didn't like them - was that wrong? And how did God get a Facebook page. Does he have a twitter account? I do follow Jesus on Twitter..he's pretty funny. And then I would send friends that liked God..and I felt left out but I still didn't click. If you like God - can you poke him? Tag him? PM him? Very strange...

Oh, and I'm not feeling good tonight..just wanted you to know. LOL!!!

jojo cucina cucina said...

susieatl....hahahahahahahaha.............are you sure you're not drinking instead of feeling ill?

i checked God's Facebook page and he only has 3 million LIKES. That's not very good when you think about it.

I could see God having a Twitter account. I don't think of God as being very verbose.

What does Jesus Twitter about?

"Yo Dudes, what used to be water is now wine! Get your asses over here!"

Sarah, Jim is going to Guam too? Then you HAVE to go of course. You need a dress sort of like that one i wore to my nephew's wedding last year, maybe only a bit shorter tea length to show off your cute ankles.

MaryAnn said...

Jesus has a twitter account?? It's almost worth getting one myself to see what thats about...but I wont! And how about I just spit my water on my keyboard when I read "if you like God, can you poke him?" I've poked a lot of people in my time but THAT would be a conquest!

louielouie said...

Wish I would have taken a photo of the delicious Szechwan wings I made and served at my brothers. I would have posted it on Facebook for sure

louielouie said...

Would tweet about it too; probably not to Jesus though.

Do you tweet to a particular person or do tweets just go out to everyone?

Figure God knows what a fantastic cook I am anyway.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I have to show you my new tiny little coolpix camera. I carry it all the time. You only have to press a button but it takes sharper photos than an iPhone even though it's half the size. You need photos with Facenook.

I think God knows you are a good cook. It's a good thing Julia Child is already dead.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I found out i am supposed to submit TWO pieces of writing by the 9th. I need another idea...i was thinking of writing about The List Art of Conversation. My opening line could be:

When was the last time someone asked you a bold question?

I need another rant..but i'm sort of in a good mood...mainly because i'm so tired.

MaryAnn said...

Im thinking..damn, deadline is tomorrow?! Going for another walk this afternoon, maybe an idea will come to me. You have wine on hand? ;)

MaryAnn said...

How about a rant about New Year Resolutions?