If The News Tribune hires me to replace Dear Abby then I want to this to be the name of my column: License to Snark. Can't you just imagine the online comments when you ask people to come and add their own?
First let me explain the photo: Today the union rep, in an apologetic way, asked if i would be willing to make a Starbucks run to get coffee for the group she was working with. She knows i can't stand the group she was working with (they are a bunch of Junior League-y type secretaries), but she knows i will do it for HER. When she handed me the list of their order (scanned above) i had to laugh (in a mean way). I am a no-nonsense drip coffee drinker and OF COURSE these women would be high maintenance coffee drinkers. I handed over the list and said to the barista, 'i am too embarrassed to order this out loud'. She laughed and said 'oh this nothing!'.
Here is what is significant about this: Sarah/louielouie came to visit me at work today on her way home. I had the paper sitting on my desk because i had even made sure to get it back from the barista because i knew i was going to bring it home and scan it and blog about it. And though i had not mentioned this little story to Sarah, she saw it, picked it up and also thought it was ridiculous. Then she said i should write about it. (We are comrades in when it comes to stuff like this and one of the reasons why we are the best of friends for so many years. )
So on with my Snarks:
1. High maintenance food people make me crazy! I'm not just talking about my usual rants on vegans and gluten free stuff either. Those folks are mostly basically okay with me... as long as i don't have to cook for them. I'm talking more about the special instructions that must be conveyed to every wait person they have ever ordered from. If you are a huge tipper, then it's okay. But i mean like in 25% tip huge, depending how obnoxious you are with your orders. (For example, my mom should always tip at least 30% for her constant never-ending ordering around of the wait staff - everything from wanting to change her table, her need of extra napkins, always more coffee, etc. etc.)
Here is the extent of my special ordering:
"Do you have a very dark beer that tastes slightly sweet?
"Dressing on the side".
"What's your biggest red?"
2. Speaking of Dear Abby. She died today. The original one, not the fake daughter one took over and is no better than 1950's advice giving Abby. (I actually thought she died a long time ago, didn't you?) I hope my dissing Dear Abby in my submission for Guest Columnist doesn't disqualify me. Giving advice to stupid people has to be one of the more easy jobs in the world. No wonder she lived to be 94 years old!
3. I run through my neighborhood and there are way too many out there who still have their Christmas ornaments on their house. To me this is worse than putting them up after Halloween. When i am over something i am so over it. (Just like my two previous marriages.)
4. Lance Armstrong. Let's talk about this assf*ck for a bit. He's confessing to Oprah tonight. When did Oprah become a Catholic priest? (Remember how that Million Little Pieces author confessed that he lied about his memoir on her shows? ) I have never liked Lance Armstrong even before he dumped with Sheryl Crow. He's not handsome (I like my athletes to be gorgeous!), he's not charismatic and i have never been into bicyclists. Probably has something more to do with what they wear. (Nobody looks good in a bike helmet.) Worst of all, for me it's not the doping, it's how he lied over and over again in such a huge way. I've been involved with a drug addict before and i can say it was never the drugging so much as it was the lying, the kind of lying that makes YOU feel guilty for even being suspicious. Lance feels sort of like an ex-husband.
5. Let's talk about the Golden Globes. Jodie Foster's speech did not move me one iota. I thought it was weirder than skiddich... And i keep hearing about how amazing and moving it was on Facebook and the Internet. I thought it was all over the map, inarticulate, angry, rambling and not funny when she tried to be. (Plus she was sitting next to, and thanked Mel Gibson.) And she made a big deal of how she was not going to make a big deal out of being gay, which i always knew she was...really, didn't we all? .... even before the movie Freaky Friday. Get over yourself, Jodie! I knew you were gay and i didn't care if you were and i didn't care if you told me or not.
6. Jeff Bridges on Jon Stewart was so weird the other night that i don't like him as much as i used to. Did anyone else see this? He was on to promote his Zen book, i think. Only i can't remember because he was so incoherent it was hard to tell what he was even saying. I am sure he was either high or drunk. I love Jeff Bridges movies. I don't like it when i see an actor i love do a terrible interview. And when i think about it, most times when Jon Stewart interviews an actor is when i am most bored. Maybe boring people become actors because they need someone else to write their lines? Jeff wasn't necessarily boring as he was obnoxiously zoned out.
I will think of some more lately. But in the meantime, come and add your own snarks!
Notes to Self:
Total all time blog views: 38,796
Page views last month: 1333
Total yesterday: 37
Jesus got more hits than Abby. Jesus got 88 hits. Abby got only 42. I am happy with that!
High temperature: 36 degrees. Low: 28 degrees. (We've had days and days of cold, but it's been sunny too!)
Shout Out: Amy, are you still here?
Here are some photos of what i mentioned in my previous Dear Abby is Overpaid blog post. I said no one over the age of 28 should have straight across bangs in my advice list and then what happens? ...Michelle Obama goes out and proves me wrong. Here is more what I'm talking about.
|NO...this is that Vogue Bitch Boss|
|Even Sandra Bullock's pretty face can't pull these off!|
|While searching, i found this great haircut. I want her hair!|