Thursday, January 17, 2013

License to Snark



If The News Tribune hires me to replace Dear Abby then I want to this to be the name of my column: License to Snark. Can't you just imagine the online comments when you ask people to come and add their own?

First let me explain the photo: Today the union rep, in an apologetic way, asked if i would be willing to make a Starbucks run to get coffee for the group she was working with. She knows i can't stand the group she was working with (they are a bunch of Junior League-y type secretaries), but she knows i will do it for HER. When she handed me the list of their order (scanned above) i had to laugh (in a mean way). I am a no-nonsense drip coffee drinker and OF COURSE these women would be high maintenance coffee drinkers. I handed over the list and said to the barista, 'i am too embarrassed to order this out loud'.  She laughed and said 'oh this nothing!'.

Here is what is significant about this: Sarah/louielouie came to visit me at work today on her way home. I had the paper sitting on my desk because i had even made sure to get it back from the barista because i knew i was going to bring it home and scan it and blog about it. And though i had not mentioned this little story to Sarah, she saw it, picked it up and also thought it was ridiculous. Then she said i should write about it.   (We are comrades in when it comes to stuff like this and one of the reasons why we are the best of friends for so many years. )

So on with my Snarks:

1. High maintenance food people make me crazy! I'm not just talking about my usual rants on vegans and gluten free stuff either. Those folks are mostly basically okay with me...  as long as i don't have to cook for them. I'm talking more about the special instructions that must be conveyed to every wait person they have ever ordered from. If you are a huge tipper, then it's okay. But i mean like in 25% tip huge, depending how obnoxious you are with your orders. (For example, my mom should always tip at least 30% for her constant never-ending ordering around of the wait staff - everything from wanting to change her table, her need of extra napkins, always more coffee, etc. etc.)

Here is the extent of my special ordering:
"Do you have a very dark beer that tastes slightly sweet?
"Dressing on the side".
"What's your biggest red?"

2.  Speaking of Dear Abby. She died today. The original one, not the fake daughter one took over and is no better than 1950's advice giving Abby. (I actually thought she died a long time ago, didn't you?) I hope my dissing Dear Abby in my submission for Guest Columnist doesn't disqualify me. Giving advice to stupid people has to be one of the more easy jobs in the world. No wonder she lived to be 94 years old!

3. I run through my neighborhood and there are way too many out there who still have their Christmas ornaments on their house. To me this is worse than putting them up after Halloween. When i am over something i am so over it. (Just like my two previous marriages.)

4. Lance Armstrong. Let's talk about this assf*ck for a bit. He's confessing to Oprah tonight. When did Oprah become a Catholic priest? (Remember how that Million Little Pieces author confessed that he lied about his memoir on her shows? ) I have never liked Lance Armstrong even before he dumped with Sheryl Crow. He's not handsome (I like my athletes to be gorgeous!), he's not charismatic and i have never been into bicyclists. Probably has something more to do with what they wear. (Nobody looks good in a bike helmet.) Worst of all, for me it's not the doping, it's how he lied over and over again in such a huge way. I've been involved with a drug addict before and i can say it was never the drugging so much as it was the lying, the kind of lying that makes YOU feel guilty for even being suspicious. Lance feels sort of like an ex-husband.

5. Let's talk about the Golden Globes. Jodie Foster's speech did not move me one iota. I thought it was weirder than skiddich... And i keep hearing about how amazing and moving it was on Facebook and the Internet. I thought it was all over the map, inarticulate, angry, rambling and not funny when she tried to be. (Plus she was sitting next to, and thanked Mel Gibson.) And she made a big deal of how she was not going to make a big deal out of being gay, which i always knew she was...really, didn't we all? .... even before the movie Freaky Friday. Get over yourself, Jodie! I knew you were gay and i didn't care if you were and i didn't care if you told me or not.

6. Jeff Bridges on Jon Stewart was so weird the other night that i don't like him as much as i used to. Did anyone else see this? He was on to promote his Zen book, i think. Only i can't remember because he was so incoherent it was hard to tell what he was even saying. I am sure he was either high or drunk. I love Jeff Bridges movies. I don't like it when i see an actor i love do a terrible interview. And when i think about it, most times when Jon Stewart interviews an actor is when i am most bored. Maybe boring people become actors because they need someone else to write their lines? Jeff wasn't necessarily boring as he was obnoxiously zoned out.

I will think of some more lately. But in the meantime, come and add your own snarks!

Notes to Self: 
Total all time blog views: 38,796
Page views last month: 1333
Total yesterday: 37
Jesus got more hits than Abby. Jesus got 88 hits. Abby got only 42. I am happy with that!
Sunset: 4:51
High temperature: 36 degrees. Low: 28 degrees. (We've had days and days of cold, but it's been sunny too!)
Shout Out: Amy, are you still here?

Here are some photos of what i mentioned in my previous Dear Abby is Overpaid blog post. I said no one over the age of 28 should have straight across bangs in my advice list and then what happens? ...Michelle Obama goes out and proves me wrong. Here is more what I'm talking about.
NO...this is that Vogue Bitch Boss 

Even Sandra Bullock's pretty face can't pull these off! 

While searching, i found this great haircut. I want her hair!

16 comments:

jojo cucina cucina said...

I will say this about that group: Take a look at their orders....(if you can't read it, click on it and it gets bigger)... They all ordered skinny or non-fat. And they were all indeed very thin women.

But that damn bill came to nearly $16 before a tip. (I should have tipped them 40%!) And i did not order one for myself. That's nearly $4 per cup of coffee. Insane. And these same women will not pay $2.25 per month for our political action fund. PER MONTH!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Just thinking about that right now just made me madder. I am going to go watch the Hallmark channel now.

louielouie said...

I told Jo she should take a picture of the order with her iphone – knowing full well she didn’t have a phone. But she should.

1. People Who Do Not Text: Folks who don’t have phones and don’t text make me crazy. I am not an addicted-to-my phone type of person and am not obsessed with checking it, but it is very handy when you’re trying to meet up with someone and need to confirm a time or place. Plus, I DO like to text because you can do it quietly and quickly so it is more convenient than a phone call and easier than emailing. I do not text and drive.

2. People Who Text and Drive: Really? How could that possibly be OK? Now I’ll admit, when I was substitute teaching and would get a late call from a distant school, sometimes I took out my hot rollers and put on mascara in the car on the way to school. But ONLY at stoplights. I was ALWAYS sober. Plus, the roads were way less busy then and no body had phones so it was much safer.

3. Lance Armstrong Makes Me Barf: Always has. Again, who didn’t know he was doping?

4. People Who Are Late: Even when it’s me. I know Jo will laugh, but I hate being late. I am just a super-bad estimator of time. I mean I know how long it takes me to drive from here to there, so I know when I need to leave, but I am bad about actually getting out the door without doing one more thing. Plus I didn’t really know how much time it took me to unload the dishwasher so that made me late getting into the car in the first place. My only consolation is my husband is WAY worse.

5. People Who Are NEVER Snarky: Now, I am one of the nicest people I know. Honestly. I care about people and never want to hurt their feelings and I think I’m pretty kind; however, people who never think (or say) a mean thing about anyone make me suspicious. Plus even Jimmy Carter had impure thoughts, lusting after a woman in his heart and all, and I think he’s dang near perfect.

Ooo, I forgot this wasn’t a rant post. Too bad.

louielouie said...

I want to be able to use BOLD on my posts too.

It's not fair Jo gets too if I can't. But don't tell me i can by doing some weird hyperlink or html thing (I have used hyperlinks so sort of know about them, but have no idea what html is. but I don't want to know so don't tell me) I want it to be easy, and if it's not i want to complain about not having it.

I do not like caps,

I do not like underlining

I LOVE bold

I HATE underline AND bold togeher. Really, enough is enough; why ruin a good thing

Now that I stop and think, I do sort of know about html too, but I don't want to.

louielouie said...

It hurt me to end that sentence with "to"

Amanda said...

Jo, I'm moving! But, I'll keep up with your blog so it won't feel like I'm gone. I'm very much in denial about moving. I'm not talking about it.

I brought back your book. I didn't finish it, but I got through enough to know I need to get it on my Kindle so I can read it a few times. Have you read any of his other books?

Lance Armstrong has always made me sick. I never trusted him for a second.

Jodie Foster's speech was ass.

And, if you're looking for good advice columns, I recommend Dear Prudence at Slate.com and Amy Alkon (she used to be in the Weekly Volcano, but now you can read her columns on her Advice Goddess blog). Both are snarky and hilarious. Dear Prudence this week had a woman who wrote in because she was making out with her brother. So darn weird.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Sarah! You put up what should have been my very first snark! Of course i am talking about your #5. It makes me crazy when people never say anything negative ever, as if the world is perfect. They love everybody and everything. NOT TRUE! Most of them are passive aggressive and i can't stand being around people like that.


IF you want to do bold you have to start your own blog!!!! But i hope you don't.

Amanda.... are you already gone? you should keep the book! I should have thought of this before. Brian just told me that Linda has it because she wanted to check it out. If you see Linda get it back from her and keep it. Then come back here and blog about it. There are so many things to highlight in a blog about that book. That way i can be sure of you returning because if you don't i will miss you alot!

I know the Advice Goddess you are talking about. I love her too. I have to check out Dear Prudence. That is a better column title than License to Snark, i wish i thought of it!

I'm glad someone else thought that Jodie Foster's speech was not cool!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Sarah, i totally agree with you on the underlining and bold. It's overkill. People in the office try to do their own newsletters without my help and make this mistake so often!

Unknown said...

I think that the world needs a lot less snark and a lot more compassion. But snark passes for humor and compassion is deemed "passive-aggressive" these days. Sad.

It's pearl. Obviously. My next blog...if I ever pick that up again...is already titled: Vegan in the Abattoir.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I have no idea what Abbattoir means. I have to Google it.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Aha! .....'slaughterhouse' ....clever.

jojo cucina cucina said...

You know what is odd to me is that Bad Boyfriends got 91 hits this month and Jesus Not on Facebook got 90. Bad Boyfriends is a very old blog post and continually is viewed maybe because of how folks much search for topics?

Abby has only 45.

I am going to change this soon. Next topic. Things i Used To Want When i Was Much Younger.

Amy said...

I'm still here!

If you had an advice column I'd read it everyday! Amanda used to message me the good Dear Prudence ones. So entertaining!

I must admit I'm a high maintenance coffee drinker but I take it as an adventure. I usually order what looks pretty on the pictures at the drive through. I'm a sucker for good graphic design. Ordering stresses me out though. My husband likes iced venti non-fat white chocolate mochas with no whip and I never think I say it in the right order. I have no idea what the right order is. I should probably google how to order and practice.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Amy, I have seen your husband, a big handsome manly guy and this totally cracks me up that he orders such a frou frou coffee drink! hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

Hi it's equeyaya! Great post! Louie, I am the same way about always being late I can't get out the damn door. I have to admit I love mochas, but I usually just make them at home with swiss miss and cream.

I try not to be overly snarky, because I know no one is perfect (especially me) and I try to cut people a break. But high maintenance, needy people, especially at work, drive me nuts. I think a lot more people need to just suck it up and deal with it, whatever "it" is. Because most things that happen, or problems we have, could be a hell of a lot worse.

Okay, now I'm going to get up and make myself a mocha. $4? Seriously?

jojo cucina cucina said...

equeyaya... i've missed you! I can't imagine you ever being snarky. It's not your nature.

I don't think the News Tribune is going to call me after all , it's already the 23rd. So Dear Abby's job is safe. (The Dear Abby 2.0 anyway, isn't she the daughter of the now deceased Abby?....anyway she won't have to worry about me taking over.)

And my advice about the straight across bangs won't fly now because Michelle Obama got those very bangs i'm talking about since i wrote that and she is rocking the bangs. So i was wrong. At least for her. I think i need to go back and find a photo of someone who does not rock the straight bangs. I think only zooey dechamel should be allowed to wear them, AND Michelle Obama.