Saturday, March 23, 2013

Chapter 1 of jojo & louie's Anti-Self-Help Manual





Chapter 1 - How to be uncool: 

1. Always, always, wear a fanny pack. Even when you are not on vacation.

2. When the bride is dancing with her father at her wedding, make sure you get up and dance too. (This sort of goes along with my video of Elodie, my mother. Obviously from the song you can tell this is not the Father/Daughter wedding dance, but later on she got up and danced during that time by herself too. My mom, she's a hoot and a real Louisana Yaya. And i know if she was/were not my mother i would like her a lot more.)

3. When you run into an old friend and they have gained a lot of weight be sure to ask when their baby is due.

.................................................................................

Screw this. i've been struggling with this Chapter for two days already.. This has been in draft longer than that. I need your help louie! .... i don't think it's because i'm too cool. I think it's because i don't think i'm cool enough to recognize what being uncool is. So i'm going back to Menu of the Day for now because i'm tired of seeing Plaid Brian, (even though he sort of matches the colors of my blog banner).

Menu of the Day:

Where I am: Sequim, 4th night of mini-vacation on the Dungeness Spit. Brian is heating up the spaghetti i brought and i'm sitting at the kitchen table writing, drinking a glass of chardonnay.


Book: i'm reading 3 of them. Round House by Louise Erdrich, and Tell the Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt. I have put aside Life of Pi and i'm almost ready to put aside Round House too even though i am 3/4 of the way through it. (Both Round House and Life of Pi started strong for me and then lost me. Anyone else reading these books? Susieatl? Tell me to stick with them and i will!)

The Best Thing: 5 days vacation in Sequim on the beach. And it's sunny! (thought not warm).

The Worst Thing: running has been a struggle this week. I could barely finish 45 minutes today. Also i wasted two days of vacation being laid up with explosive allergies. (sometimes i really hate trees! March is always the worse for me. )

In the News: You tell me, we don't have TV here.

What i could give a shit about: March Madness basketball. I hate March Madness and i wish the basketball nonsense would stop on my Facebook page. It's EVERYWHERE. I really do not care about Gonzaga. and i have no idea whatsoever about what a bracket means. But my niece Ashley posted about one and MaryAnn here did too. What the hell does that mean MaryAnn?

Meanwhile: i will sit here and drink my Vintage Press chardonnay from Trader Joes, which is better than there regular $3.99 chardonnay. I think it might have cost $9.99. It's ok.



So what are y'all doing?


Notes to Self:
Shout out: susieatl and amulbunny

All time blog views: 41,539

Views last month: 1358

Views yesterday: 76. (that's alot for this blog. I wish people would just post a happy face to say they were here if they actually read it.)

15 comments:

jojo cucina cucina said...

The other book i'm reading i forgot to mention is: "Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk" i really like this book already. It's about an Iraq war veteran involved in a mission that gets widespread media attention and the absurdity of how that pans out for him. I like it already.

Also, not sure if "Funky Elodie" shows up on some personal devices. It does not show up on my kindlefire, but it does on my netbook. It's on Facebook already too, but some folks can't access it. It's really a pretty funny 42 second video if you can see it.

Anonymous said...

This is Susieatl...I give up. On my Google acct - ever since I got hacked (and Furline did as well) I have not been able to get into my account without changing the email again. I write down the password and the next time I go to get in I get a message that the password is incorrect

So I'll try again but for now I'll post anon. I haven't read either of those books. I did read Defending Jacob..a good quick read. Life of Pi has not interest for me. Not sure why..everyone says it is good but I just resist it.

I watched Zero Dark Thirty last night..not a bad movie..I wonder how accurate it is.

I also watched This is 40...I'd like to see This is 50. Life is much more interesting now in some ways. I'm not longer consumed with parenting so I read a lot more and am able to save money and travel..and I think I'm more interesting. And I'm friends with my daughter an no longer feel I need to tell her what to do or be responsible for her. She is really on her own now.

I did the stupid March Madness thing and I picked teams based on where they were. Like I picked Oregon cause I like Portland more than St. Louis. So guess what - I'm number 1 on the bracket against a bunch of men who are having a cow. They keep telling me I'm gonna fall but so far I'm still number 1 which I find hilarious as I haven't watched a game and really could care less. If I win, I'm gonna get a t-shirt that says Bracket Bitch. Can't wear it to work but I'll take a pic and send their home emails..hahahahaha

I was scheduled for a 5k yesterday but we have had bad t-storms so it was canceled. I was bummed as it was a women only race and 3k women were signed up for it. I'm definitely doing it next year.

And I love your mom!!! I so want to be like that when I'm older. Have you seen the video of the 80 year dancing to the car and then dropping the F bomb? I died.

jojo cucina cucina said...

THERE you are susie! I truly eant to get into Life of Pi but it just veered off for me...you and i like the same books it seems so i feel like i have permission to stop reading now ..lol.

Funny about your winning in the Match Madness using an unorthodox method. ESPECIALLY since you aren't watching!

I saw your race got cancelled. I do not like being outside in lightning storms! I have not seen the 80 year old woman dancing video. My mom is 77. She will be dancing when she's 90. She keeps telling us she is never going to die. I hope that's true because maybe i won't have to take care of her...besides being a party yaya she is extremely high maintenance. When my dad is gone i hate to think what we have to do in his place. Because he does it all. That is why she is having so much fun! Lol.

louielouie said...

How to Be Uncool:

Believe You Are Cool

jojo cucina cucina said...

OK louie!...that is our first chapter. HOW TO BE UNCOOL

Believe you are cool.

DONE!.. Now on to Chapter 2....

louielouie said...

Good, 'cause I got nuthin more to say

how was your get-away? Did you write some other chapters?

MaryAnn Mosso said...

Ok, 1st off, I love fanny packs. Over the past couple years I've gotten used to mini backpacks and those over the shoulder packs, but the fanny pack remains a fav. I log many miles either running or walking per week. In order to carry my money, phone etc, the fanny pack works best because it is the most secure and doesn't jostle as much as other options. I did make an unfortunate decision once a few years back to go for a walk wearing a fanny pack and carrying hand weights. My son was in North Carolina at the time. His friend Sal saw me, took a picture and sent it to him. When I returned home, there was a message from my friend Cindy. "Marc has a problem with this" and there I guess I can see the idea of why it would be uncool. But I count myself among the coolest of the cool that I can rock a fanny pack without regard for the opinions of others. In fact, I make it my life's mission to make them cool once again. Bring Back the Fanny Pack 2013. Stay tuned.

Sigh....the brackets. I did fill one out this year just for fun. Some years I fill 2 out. One for money and one for fun. Basically the Bracket is a sheet that looks a lot like the skeleton of a family tree. If you fill out a bracket that means you are trying to predict who will win. You get points the longer you have games remaining in it. But sometimes I dont do one at all and just enjoy the games. It's hard to get excited about a lower seeded teem pulling an upset when it's screwing up your entire bracket!
I have a particular fondness for the NCAA tournament because of the true love for the game you see on the court. This isnt like the professionals, who receive a paycheck win or lose. Each of these games means the enitre world to every kid out there. It's what they have pictured in their minds since they were old enough to hold a ball. They wont get a paycheck, for some, this is their last organized game of their life...its everything. As fans we watch the best of the best, the cinderella stories, the come from behinds, the upsets, and the glory...to me its more magic than madness :)

Where I am: sitting in bed, working from bed. Well, I should be working. Instead, I am reading your blog...lol. I was sick last week. Sick enough that I almost went to the hospital. Now I am a week behind and the back log is causing me to be so overwhelmed I am procrastinating further! But I did get dressed today, so that in itself I am calling progress.

Book: Not reading anything right now. . I did just get a library card. Going to spend the day there tomorrow and plan to join a book club. They have like 4 or 5 of them. Wonder why they have so many book clubs out of one library in a small town....somehow I think the answer to that is going to be more interesting than the books..

The Best Thing: Today it's coffee. Ive been on a tea kick the last several months but today I just felt like having a coffee. My neighbor had made me a care package last week and I remembered this morning there was a bag of DD coffee in there. Im lovin it.

Worst thing: I think I've already gained back the being sick pounds I lost. Thankfully, the library is 6 miles away and will have to pull a 12 mile day to attend tomorrow. Im feeling skinnier just thinking about it :)

In the news: I have no idea. Most days, I have no idea. Aside from Sportscenter in the am i dont really listen to anything newsy.

What I could give a shit about: What people think of me. Lots of people say it, but they really do care. I dont. Though my friends have pointed out the flaw in that. It makes me dangerous and not especially liked at times. I need to find the balance between not caring what people think and coming across like a real douchebag. Not caring what people think doesnt mean I dont care about people. My friends say that gets lost in translation sometimes...eh...work in progress

meanwhile, I just tried to publish this and they said its too long...lol

jojo cucina cucina said...

MaryAnn, you crack me up. You write as much as i do! Writing and Running, we have much in common! And plus the not giving a shit what people think. Though i did admit earlier that with some people i do care. But usually the people who don't like me are already folks i don't like either. Mostly passive aggressive, lying ass people, and big ego folks piss me off. Those and overly conservative folks who want to argue and bait. And Born again Christians who want to talk to me about being saved. Oh yeah, and people who constantly talk only about their babies and nothing else.

Why were you sick for that long? Pneumonia?

Today was the first day in a week where i felt like my normal energetic self. Part of it is not sleeping again. Hot flashes have me up nearly once an hour. I am so tired when i wake up i drag through the day. I think i'm going to start having a second cup of coffee. The other part is allergies are so bad this time of year. But today i feel GREAT.

jojo cucina cucina said...

louie, what should our next chapter blog be about?

jojo cucina cucina said...

These are mine:

1. 10 ways you can get yourself fired.

2. How to make your friends want to drop you like a hot potato as you plan your wedding...your baby...your divorce.

3. How to cook for vegans and gluten free friends. Maybe a different chapter on how to cook for vegans and gluten free people you don't like so much. (They would be different recipes!)

4. How to tell if you have Aspbergers or OCD.

5. Hairstyles that don't work anymore for women over 40.

6. How to dress like a tramp.

7. How to get people to feel sorry for you.

8. 5 ways to scare off a new possible boyfriend.

9. 10 ways to make your boyfriend's mother not like you.

10. How to be uncool when talking to teenagers.

These are yours louie:



My chapters:

1. How to be the best ex-wife. Ever.

2. 65 ways to use cheese.

3. What to do if "My mother in-law hates me"

4. Living with a perfectionist.

5. Living with a slacker if you're a perfectionist.

6. The importance of matching plaids when making pants.

7. Six ways to make babies cry.

8. Ten clothing hints to get noticed at a funeral.

9. The art of farting in public.

10. Blue eye shadow. It's not for everyone.

MaryAnn Mosso said...

Im not sure what was wrong, but I was starting to think it was Pneumonia. Four days and nights with a raging fever that would not break, aches, pains, chills, it was HORRIBLE!!! Then all of a sudden, Saturday morning, poof, fever broke and suddenly I had some chest congestion that was breaking up. Who knows??? I had intended on going to the hospital that day if I woke up with my condition unimproved. Go figure....

As for your manual...I like 2,6,8 from the 1st list and 1, 7, 9 from the 2nd :)

jojo cucina cucina said...

Sounds like a bad flu. Good thing you are over it. I know when i feel crappy i always forget how it feels when i'm well and i think i will just stay that way. Then when i get well i forget how bad i felt.

hahaha....everyone loves louie's #7! Six Ways to Make Babies Cry!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Let me see if i can do Six Ways to Make Babies Cry:

1. Show the baby a video of Donald Trump spouting off on Fox News and tell the baby "Here is your dad!" (The baby is too young yet to know won't he's uber rich so the baby will cry.)

2. Make the baby write thank you cards for every baby gift they received. Real thank you cards. Not email. The baby may cheer up when they understand they get to lick some stamps, so you will have to do something about that right away.

3. Try to teach the baby how to do the Cupid Shuffle and yell at the baby every time the baby goes left instead of right.

4. Set the DVR for 3 months of Honey BooBoo and Jersey Shores and when you have about 6 hours of episodes make the baby watch them all in one sitting.

5. Hire Ann Coulter as the baby's sitter for a long weekend.

6. And i think this one really works: Cut their fingernails and toenails.

How did i do?

jojo cucina cucina said...

Who else wants to take a crack at Six Ways to Make Babies Cry????

When we're done, we should vote on the best way.

jojo cucina cucina said...

So far i vote for myself with #2.