Friday, March 1, 2013

Pants on Fire.... Lies I Tell to Myself

It's Friday Night! .... Let's do a Menu of the Day first, how about it?

In my glass: fume blanc again from Ferrari Carneros, or however you spell it, i know i got close. (The same one i had during the Oscars.) I really like this better than the chardonnay.

Book: I am almost done with a book i like called Blame. I am still reading Life of Pi and also the Roosevelt biography.

The worst thing that happened: We got killed on our taxes because of my early retire rehire status. (Turns out I am the youngest person to retire from the WEA so it makes sense that they wouldn't have thought to warn someone collecting retirement before the age of 54.)

I got the same 10% IRS penalty on my full pension withdrawal that people get when they take out of their IRA or 401K. Only four of us were under the age of 59 1/2, but three of them were 55 years old last January and that was key!..... I was the only one who was not. Our taxes were already bad enough since we have no deductions but this really put them over the top. I blame my mom for not  getting pregnant 5 months earlier!!!

Disclaimer about the Worst Thing: i'm just glad to have had the opportunity,  so i'm not too sick about it. However, it could have been a couple of super really nice trips to Hawaii. I try not to think about where i could have spent that money.

Also, here's another thing. I could fix it for 2013 because I still have time to have a baby before this year is over.

Would you give me a baby shower louie if i do? And i want to play stupid shower games too! And i want a pink punch and a jello mold.

The Best Thing that Happened: i bowled a 148. (And the other two games weren't bad either. ) And tonight. I love Fridays when i get to be home! I'm so happy to have a totally unencumbered weekend. I only have to run. Also, this week things are really starting to bloom and look like spring!

Ok, let's do this lying thing. What are lies that you tell yourself so that you feel better, avoid the real issue, wishful thinking, etc. etc.


1. I blame menopause for so many things. Every time i feel like wanting to kick somebody's ass i blame it on my estrogen levels. I blame my lack of sleep. I blame forgetting if i put the garage door down.

Disclaimer: The truth is I have been this way since i was a toddler. My mom tells the story so often i feel like it's my first memory. My brother Scott was only 11 months younger than i was. When he was a baby about 3 months old i walked over to him in his little bumper seat and leaned over him,  in what looked like to everyone, was to kiss him on the forehead. Instead i bit him on the forehead, so hard that i left little teeth marks.

Also i've never been a good sleeper and i always think i left the garage door open only to find that it's always down when i double back to check. When it's up THEN i will know that it's menopause.

2. I am not going to have that third glass of wine because then i will sleep better.

No Disclaimer. I always have the third glass on the weekends. (And i already said i don't sleep well.)

3. I don't care what people think.

Disclaimer: To some degree this is indeed true. But i only don't care about what people think if they are stupid people. However, some pretty smart people don't like me and i don't like them either and i'm not sure what came first. Do i not like them because i feel like they don't like me? So i think i do care more than i admit to myself.

4. I can't get skin cancer with all of my years of tanning. The truth is i do think about this. And i should stop loving the sun but i don't think i ever will. It goes back to my teenage years of terrible acne. I tried every antibiotic and cream from the dermatologist and nothing cleared it up like the sun. I never feel like i look as good in non-summer months. Total vanity trumps longevity. How stupid is that?

5. I am speaking for other people. Oh, i do this alot! The truth is, sometime i really am because i have people talk to me before and after. However, it's not always true. I tell myself it is. But sometimes i'm just out there talking because something makes ME mad and i would take issue even if i knew no one agreed with me.

Disclaimer: I more often like having credence for my opinions, so i am not that brave to speak up when i am the only one. And i am also not that brave when i know i have back up.

I know i have more, but Brian is coming home and i said i would cook dinner. I'll be back to edit.

6.  It's my mom's fault if i am obnoxious. It's in my DNA but i can't blame everything on her, though i do often. Though this is really true, going off my #3, i really don't care as much what my mom thinks of me, that's how i survived!

Notes to Self:                                                                                                                                    

All time blog posts: 40, 558

Page views yesterday = 29

High temp today: 57 degrees!

Sunset: 5:56 pm!   I didn't leave work until 6 pm and it was so light outside. I think i should have put that as my Best Thing!

Shout Out: Linda B. (who has never posted here, ARE you here?), Cat P., jj

Longest Run this week: 1 hour, 21 minutes


susieatl said...

Hey, I finally could sign on. I switched to Google Chrome because IE sucks and you blog bounces up and down on that browser. I probably need a new computer..but I'm too cheap to buy a new one.

I'm reading Salman Rushdie's book Joseph Anton which is about the Fatwa. He writes about himself in the third person which is strange and he is brutally honest or he really doesn't like a lot of people in his life so far..can't tell yet.

Work has been horrible. We have a psycho V.P. of Marketing and everyone in that department is CYA to the nth degree and it can make for a very defensive work environment. Someone forgot to ship a large piece of the trade show booth to San Diego and so it had to be overnighted which cost $3500..which is expensive but we are a lucrative company. Everyone started pointing fingers and even though my department has nothing to do with this, I got dragged into the fray.

So last night I sat in my chair and cried for hours. Today everyone else was in a great mood but I was just worn out.

I also think it may be hormomes. I haven't had a period since last June and today I started spotting a bit (sorry for TMI) that may the root of the crying jag which I haven't had in ages.

Amanda didn't get in to Vet school She has had it rough since she had her accident in December..but then again she got a better truck out of the deal. It is tough...she's too old for me to fix anything for her but I still have that urge..does it ever go away?

louielouie said...

I will be honored to have a baby shower for you Jo. I am already excited about the idea of planning the menu and games. For sure we will have a punch that has either lime or orange sherbet scoops bobbing around in it, I can’t decide if I should order the sheet cake from Costco or take a class so can make one myself in one of those Wilton molds. Think Ill get started on that right away. May as well check into breast pumps and organic baby food recipes so I can put together a useful group of items for your Toys R Us baby registry.

Please, please post on Facebook about the hormone shoots and temperature taking you will need to do prior to getting pregnant. And then every time you think you might be pregnant and then are not. I want to know EVERYTHING all the way along. How soon can you get an ultra sound? Can I be your labor coach? I’m sure Julie will volunteer to take the birth photos; I’m not so good with the camera.

Almost forgot, I will hand sew all your maternity clothes and then help you make baby clothes together, Oh yeah, and we can learn to knit.

Will think more about a Lie post later, am just too excited to concentrate on lying right now.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I am totally ...for real...laughing out loud louie. You are too funny!!!!

jojo cucina cucina said...

I am still laughing!

jojo cucina cucina said...

I just read this out loud to Brian and could barely get through it. He thought it was hysterical too.

jojo cucina cucina said...

In your honor louie, instead of calling my baby Harmony, (the name i have had picked out since i was 17 years old), i am going to name the baby, Breealy. Even if it's a boy.

Isn't that cute?

jojo cucina cucina said...

louie i was just thinking about how rich you and i would be right now if only we didn't accidentally delete our post divorce book that we were writing on your Apple 2c computer.

jojo cucina cucina said...

We are totally full of lies today! did we erase that book anyway? It was probably my fault. Mostly i blame it on the wine. Was that the same night we accidentally drank that $50 bottle of french wine i had bought for my lawyer friend? The one we drank while eating Nick's ( who was a toddler) Kraft mac and cheese?
I remember that we tried to soak the label off so at least we knew it was good if we could have afforded it back then. We were so poor after those divorces. We didn't know it was the $50 until the next day.

louielouie said...

#1. It was NOT Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It was real macaroni and cheese made with good Wisconsin Cheddar and buttered cracker crumbs on the top. I did not feed my baby nasty-ass kraft macaroni and fake cheese. This is not a lie. That wine was good though, no lie.

#2. The night we had the mac and cheese and the $50 wine must have been the same night we lost the book because I’m pretty sure you and I maybe drank too much wine only that one time.

#3. I also cannot believe we lost that book. Why didn’t I store a copy on my 6” floppy disc? That is so unlike me. I do think it was your fault though because I’m sure you were doing the typing (we both know about my keying-skills) so you must have deleted it by mistake.

It’s probably just as well. If we had finished that book, and sold millions of copies (which it so would have), maybe we would not be the same, kind, generous and humble people we are now. Fame and fortune may have gone to our heads.

#4. I would like an opportunity to see if fame and fortune would go to my head. Last week I bought Powerball and Megamillions tickets and didn’t win either one. Can you believe it? Life is so unfair.

#5. Number 4 might be a lie. I don’t think I want fame. Just fortune.

#6. I didn’t give my baby nasty-ass kraft macaroni and fake cheese; however he did eat those little cheese-n-crackers things with the red spready-sticks. He ate them every afternoon while he watched Mr. Rogers and I made dinner. He saved those sticks for his crafts. He loved his crafts, Mr. Rogers, and also tape, rope, twine and string. I love that boy. I regret not teaching him how to use the sewing machine.

#7. I do not regret drinking that wine. Or those times.

jojo cucina cucina said...

i HATE this mouse. i just lost my post in response. What is it with the Mac mouse. I swear i only moved it a little bit and all was gone. Sort of like our book!!!!!

As i was saying.

i did NOT buy a PowerBall or MegaMillions lottery ticket and i didn't win either.

Life is indeed so unfair.

Also i am pretty sure i was the one typing. So it was my fault like i said. But we can share blame because we didn't have a backup and i probably didn't know about how to do that back then since you were teaching me!

i don't want fame either. But sometimes i fantasize about being interviewed on Jon Stewart because i wrote some amazing book that he wants to pimp for me.

OK, so you really did make the mac and cheese from scratch. You are probably the ONLY parent i know who didn't serve the blue Kraft box because you know the kids love that Kraft stuff the most. Plus it was cheap, like top ramen cheap. And we were poor.

I don't regret those days either. And i am sure that was the only time we drank too much wine together in all the years we have been friends.... 33 years? How come we never lived together when we got divorced at the same time. We could have lived in a much cooler place and i could have babysat Nick while you were out cavorting on the town as a single woman ! hahahaha...

Amanda said...

If you have a baby, Jo, I'm buying you a Baby Bullet. It's one of my favorite infomercials, though the product name may be one of the worst of all time.

I really dislike babies, but Baby Bullets and those fancy baby backpacks make me really want to have a the same way the Westminster Dog Show makes me want a PBGV.

louielouie said...

My plans before Guam:

1. Confirm my house and cat sitter – Jo are you available? haha

2. Buy a dress suitable for the in-the-water beach wedding.

3. Get some cute flip-flops and beach type clothes that make me way cuter than all the other mothers.

4. One pair of flip-flops needs to be fancy enough for the in-the-water beach wedding.

5. Find a swimsuit appropriate for the family/wedding party snorkel-dive event the day after the wedding.

6. Help Jo arrange the fertility sessions.

7. Find a cover-up to wear on the boat and the beach that doesn’t make me look like I’m trying to cover up.

8. Save up my migraine meds so I can handle the heat and humidity.

9. Decide on a new hair color that will be beach friendly.

10. Choose some parenting for older mothers and older Godmothers books I can read on the plane.

11. Get a tan. Maybe a tan-in-a-bottle, spray tan, maybe a tanning booth tan., so my thighs are bronze.

12. Lose 20 pounds and have liposuction so my thighs are firm and smooth.

13. Find inner peace.

jojo cucina cucina said...

hahahahaha...Amanda i was really wanting you to weigh in on my baby and not miss louie's plan for my shower, because of course you would be invited! The Baby Bullet ...i totally thought you were making it up... but it's an informercial? YOu should make this your new blog post! YOu need a new post anyway, i keep checking it and it hasn't changed in like weeks it seems!

Get ready y'all. Louie and i are quitting our jobs very soon. And we need to find a way to make money. So we have decided to write a self help book. We almost did this before back in 1985 though it was only going to be about divorce and being single. This time we have so much more wisdom and experience to share.

The next blog post is going to be the titles of the chapters in louie's and jo's Sarcastic Self Help Book. We need input on what you need help with. We'll write about it. And we might even let y'all write some of the chapters too cause if you are here, you are already smart!

jojo cucina cucina said...

i love posting synchronicity. louie you and i are posting at the same time. Now i am going back to reading yours. I haven't even read it yet, i just saw it pop up.

jojo cucina cucina said...

OK, i love how you just changed the whole focus of this particular blog post about lies. And of course, i love your #6. Cause of course i am going to need those. Can we go out for wine afterwards?

I am going to go online shopping to find you a suitable In the Water Mother of the Bride Wedding Dress. I'll be right back.

Very funny about the cat.

jojo cucina cucina said...

how about this? I am going to add the photo to my blog so you will open it up. Check out the sandals they match with it.

jojo cucina cucina said...

it won't let me link the photo.

Maybe you need to buy aqua socks!

louielouie said...


I am sorry to say (that’s a lie, I’m not sorry) that some items on my list WERE lies. Most were true well, about half are true but I think that’s pretty good. I tried to write a list of lies, but have such a hard time lying (now that’s a lie, it comes naturally, it’s a gift actually) that I didn’t know what to write. I think my best lies are impromptu, for the moment, rather than when assigned anyway. Besides, it takes me so long to post because I have to compose in Word (which is the work of the devil, no lie) arrange and rearrange the order of my lists, spell check, use the thesaurus to try to find the exact right word, Google the word to make sure I’m using it correctly, mess around with the spacing so it looks good when posted, go back and check the post topic so my comments are on-point, double check my grammar, read it through one last time to be sure I don’t say anything too mean or stupid and then check it out on the preview. I am sorry to say (that’s a lie, I’m not sorry, may be a little embarrassed) that everything in that admittedly run-on sentence is true.

I come from a long line of practiced and exceptionally gifted liars. My whole family lies. Some of us know when we lie, others of us don’t.

louielouie said...

PS I just noticed a missing comma.

jojo cucina cucina said...

YOu are totally lying about using a thesaurus and Googling the right word. YOu don't have to do that.

But I am not lying when i say i do have to do that sometimes. I recently had to look up a word in the book edition of my thesaurus. I wish i could remember it now, but i don't. Sometimes what happens is i find a word in the thesaurus i like and then i use it a whole lot. Right now my favorite word is 'officious'. I have known what this means for a long time, but only recently have been able to use it to describe many different people this way and often someone has said to me (as even tonight) THAT is a perfect way to describe ____ ____.

Where are you missing a comma? I think commas are overused anyway.

I agree about MacWord. Word in Microsoft is the ONLY time i like Bill Gates over Steve Jobs.

HOw come nobody else here wants to come and tell us their lies?

louielouie said...

Am NOT lying about Google and the thesaurus. I use the thesaurus all the time, Google too. I often use Google to figure out how to spell something when my spelling is so off Word can't find it.

I don't like Microsoft Word (at work) any better than Word on my Mac at home.

I can't find the missing comma anymore either; maybe it was unnecessary. I do tend to over punctuate; I love punctuation.

Just noticed (that's a lie, I noticed last night, right after I posted) that the topic Was Lies I Tell Myself, not just general all purpose lies. That does change things. Not really.

Sorry if it's a lame topic; I told you it was a good one. I have no better ideas.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Ok how about a new topic?...maybe i just do some random Over Easy questions...

Or we can talk about what makes life beautiful

Or how about things we wish smart people would invent.

Or since the Bad Boyfriend post from years ago still ranks as top viewed we can do that one again.

We could do ' this..but not this..'

Or better yet...Stuff i Wish I Could Control.

MaryAnn said...

Menu of the Day

Wine: Im looking at the bottle of Fransiscan Cabarnet that is now empty as I enjoyed all 3/4 that was left in it last night. I am debating going to the store, even thinking if I walked there, I could justify it...but alas, I will do some stretching exercises and drink water tonight instaed.

Book: Ive got the Hunger Games sitting on my nightstand. Not sure why I havent started it yet. Guess because I dont really have a desire to, but like everything else that people talk about that I am ignorant about, I just gotta know!

Worst thing that happened: Very lazy unproductve day, for no good reason. And I already was gently with myself and did that Monday so this puts me behind. Ive got some work to do tonight. (as I type away at my friend's blog)

Best thing that happened: Found some cool websites today that will help with some projects I am working on. I get to now tell myself I was actually productive before 4pm now.

jojo cucina cucina said...

hahahaha! MaryAnn... LOVE your post. especially about justifying walking to the store.

I read the Hunger Games actually BEFORE the hype. And i liked it. But then the hype hit and i tried to read the second book and couldn't finish it. I think the hype makes me not want to do stuff. Are you like that?

Thank you for being here. And often!

jojo cucina cucina said...

New post tonight. It's going to be about the Self Help book i plan to write with louie so i hope y'all weigh in with chapter titles you would like to see in the book so that we know we are on the right track for dispensing our most excellent and brilliant advice. I have some content already on mind.

I might include some of augusten burroughs words of wisdom too from his new book.

louielouie said...

Can't wait!!

On my way to get my roots done - what a way to spend a sunny saturday - but it must be done.

Maybe I'll get some inspiration from the beauty shop magazines...

jojo cucina cucina said...

OK, if we end up going to my brother's house tonight i might have to update this tomorrow night when Brian is at his band practice.

What a beautiful day today! I went for a long run in the sun. Sometimes i turned my music off just to hear the spring-y sounds of lawn mowers. I'm glad i didn't have to go get my hair done today. But then i did spend a lot of time indoors watching dumb TV this morning.

Be thinking of what advice y'all need! MaryAnn, i can probably write a chapter for you on how to be lazy without feeling guilty!