Hi, this is Jesus. It's Easter tomorrow. I want to set the record straight on what Easter means to Me cause I think y'all think it means more to Me than it does. (Disclaimer: I am not the one capitalizing the 'M' in me. That would be jocucina, who is not entirely on board with all of the Easter Stuff, but is willing to suck up to Me while she posts what I want her to post.)
#1. All this praising Me....it's not My deal. I wish I were down there with y'all right now just to hang out so I could tell you to chill out. I don't need My own Holiday (especially one that involves those gawdawful peep candies) when I already have a Birthday honor. And believe Me that is plenty!... (And a whole 'nother blog post.) Easter is all My Dad's doing. He's as bad as any Baby Boomer/Soccer Mom parent bragging on their kid...boring everyone around them as they talk about their kid and how they did this and that and everything. So y'all need to take that with a grain of salt, OK? I am just like you...only I truly did have better parents.
#2. Let Me say this about Same Sex Marriage since it's it your news these days. Here's the thing: My Dad/God actually meant for all of you to be gay. Did you not know that? YOU are the ones who screwed it all up! Think about it. It makes sense when you talk about the frequency of how much sex you want. And how leaving the toilet seat up is no longer an issue. And who replaces the toilet paper roll. So stop with the nonsense and get this done!
#3. I did rise up from the dead. That is true. But it was a one time thing, OK? (Sort of like how if Bruce Springsteen and the Stones got together to make one fantastic album. I don't think they have released a song together, I just thought of them because of Springsteen's The Rising album.) Anyway, My rising is not going to happen again. And I don't expect y'all to make THAT much out of that. I don't care if you make it all about Easter Egg Hunts, OK? My Dad made me do it. So I did it because I was afraid of being put on restriction. (Can you imagine what it would be like to be put on restriction by God????)
#4. However, I still think My Dad/God is kind of a cool Dude.(
#5. Obama. Let Me talk about this man for a moment: Obama might have been naive when he ran for President. He was all about hope and change and believed he could change the polarization of America. Hope and Change never win. If I know anything that, it's that hope and change will always be slam dunked by The Others because it's too positive. (And by The Others, I don't mean those Lost characters.) I mean by those who hate that a black man is in office. Or who are suspicious of anyone who 'pussy-ish' to them in their views about gun control or war or taxes. (I realize that I might have just invented a new word with 'pussy-ish', but I'm Jesus and I can do that. )
#6. By the way for the record... I like Obama.
#7. And not only that, I am here to tell you it's not always about America. I HATE those bumper stickers that say "God Bless America" as if my Dad/God only cares about one little part of the Universe. I want to see bumper stickers that say "God Bless The Whole World + Infinity". And I really hate those WWJD messages too. I tell you What Would Jesus Do right now. He/Me would rip every one of those sticker/buttons whatever off and tell you to get your fucking brain in order, get off your ass and quit relying on someone else/Me to clean up your shit!
#8. Here's the other thing bothering Me about how y'all are interpreting What Would Jesus Do? I truly do not give a shit about what you do. It's not about going to church or praying. I'm happy as long as what you do is honest and kind. Don't pretend to be what you are not. Be your bad self. Or be your good self. Just don't intentionally harm others. In the end it's My Dad/God who gets to choose the folks who get to Heaven. And those of you pretending, going through the motions, well you might not be that person. You might be dancing in Hell with Charlie Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler. (BTW, Ted Bundy never fooled Me with that born again shit before he was executed.) And speaking in tongues is the same as rapping to Me.
Anyway, when it comes to heaven, it's not really My call. It's my Dad's.
That's all I have to say. Happy Easter to all of you... even those of you who don't follow Easter: Buddhists, Muslims, Jehovah Witnesses, Jews, Agnostics, Atheists, Vegans, and so on and so on. (Oops, I forgot Veganism is not a religion!)
And for you Christians, I hope you get to church early and don't have to stand at the back of the church.
I love you all, I really do. That is not a lie.......(Even those of you who don't deserve it.)
Thank you jocucina for letting Me use your blog to say My piece. I hope you invite Me again. (But next time I want editing rights so you quit capitalizing My pronouns. I don't want to come off as some narcissistic douchebag who thinks I'm all that.)