Saturday, March 30, 2013

It's Easter: Jesus doesn't have a blog but He asked me to write it for Him.

Hi, this is Jesus. It's Easter tomorrow. I want to set the record straight on what Easter means to Me cause I think y'all think it means more to Me than it does. (Disclaimer: I am not the one capitalizing the 'M' in me. That would be jocucina, who is not entirely on board with all of the Easter Stuff, but is willing to suck up to Me while she posts what I want her to post.)

#1. All this praising's not My deal I wish I were down there with y'all right now just to hang out so I could tell you to chill out. I don't need My own Holiday (especially one that involves those gawdawful peep candies) when I already have a Birthday honor. And believe Me that is plenty!... (And a whole 'nother blog post.)  Easter is all My Dad's doing. He's as bad as any Baby Boomer/Soccer Mom parent bragging on their kid...boring everyone around them as they talk about their kid and how they did this and that and everything. So y'all need to take that with a grain of salt, OK? I am just like you...only I truly did have better parents.

#2. Let Me say this about Same Sex Marriage since it's it your news these days. Here's the thing:  My Dad/God actually meant for all of you to be gay. Did you not know that? YOU are the ones who screwed it all up! Think about it. It makes sense when you talk about the frequency of how much sex you want. And how leaving the toilet seat up is no longer an issue. And who replaces the toilet paper roll.  So stop with the nonsense and get this done!

#3. I did rise up from the dead. That is true. But it was a one time thing, OK? (Sort of like how if Bruce Springsteen and the Stones got together to make one fantastic album. I don't think they have released a song together, I just thought of them because of Springsteen's The Rising album.) Anyway, My rising is not going to happen again. And I don't expect y'all to make THAT much out of that. I don't care if you make it all about Easter Egg Hunts, OK? My Dad made me do it. So I did it because I was afraid of being put on restriction. (Can you imagine what it would be like to be put on restriction by God????) 

#4. However, I still think My Dad/God is kind of a cool Dude.(

#5. Obama. Let Me talk about this man for a moment: Obama might have been naive when he ran for President. He was all about hope and change and believed he could change the polarization of America. Hope and Change never win. If I know anything that, it's that hope and change will always be slam dunked by The Others because it's too positive. (And by The Others, I don't mean those Lost characters.) I mean by those who hate that a black man is in office. Or who are suspicious of anyone who 'pussy-ish' to them  in their views about gun control or war or taxes. (I realize that I might have just invented a new word with 'pussy-ish', but I'm Jesus and I can do that. )

#6. By the way for the record... I like Obama.

#7. And not only that, I am here to tell you it's not always about America. I HATE those bumper stickers that say "God Bless America" as if my Dad/God only cares about one little part of the Universe. I want to see bumper stickers that say "God Bless The Whole World + Infinity".  And I really hate those WWJD messages too. I tell you What Would Jesus Do right now. He/Me would rip every one of those sticker/buttons whatever off and tell you to get your fucking brain in order, get off your ass and quit relying on someone else/Me to clean up your shit!
#8. Here's the other thing bothering Me about how y'all are interpreting What Would Jesus Do?  I truly do not give a shit about what you do. It's not about going to church or praying. I'm happy as long as what you do is honest and kind. Don't pretend to be what you are not. Be your bad self. Or be your good self. Just don't intentionally harm others. In the end it's My Dad/God who gets to choose the folks who get to Heaven. And those of you pretending, going through the motions, well you might not be that person. You might be dancing in Hell with Charlie Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler. (BTW, Ted Bundy never fooled Me with that born again shit before he was executed.) And speaking in tongues is the same as rapping to Me.

Anyway, when it comes to heaven, it's not really My call. It's my Dad's.

That's all I have to say. Happy Easter to all of you... even those of you who don't follow Easter: Buddhists, Muslims, Jehovah Witnesses, Jews, Agnostics, Atheists, Vegans, and so on and so on. (Oops, I forgot Veganism is not a religion!)

And for you Christians, I hope you get to church early and don't have to stand  at the back of the church. 

I love you all, I really do. That is not a lie.......(Even those of you who don't deserve it.)

Thank you jocucina for letting Me use your blog to say My piece. I hope you invite Me again. (But next time I want editing rights so you quit capitalizing My pronouns. I don't want to come off as some narcissistic douchebag who thinks I'm all that.)


jojo cucina cucina said...

I think my Six Ways To Make Babies Cry is pretty funny in my previous post but nobody jumped on board so i changed the blog. I think i will add them to Facebook.

Brian said...

Thank you Jesus, and for choosing JoJo to be Your Easter scribe! Also the Springsteen/Stones concert isn't a bad idea, just in case you want to pull a few strings. :)

Anonymous said...

love this!


susieatl said...

Jesus, don't tell the freaks at my work that you like Obama. They think he is the antichrist..which would be the anti you..

Obamacare is a precursor to the Rapture. I guess all that crap about taking care of the sick was just a joke, right?

Hey, at least you let me fix my Google acct.

MaryAnn Mosso said...

OMG, so many thoughts on this! You rock! LOVE IT! Have so much work to do today but will come back tonight to reread and enjoy!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Hey Baybee. You should have asked Jesus to pull a few strings for your band Blues Oasis and Springsteen if you're going to ask for something! hahaha....

jojo cucina cucina said...

How do y'all like my new photo that i put up. I just love looking at it. It's so cute! I did a Google search on Jesus+peeps+Easter. I found all kinds of peep photos. Who knew!?

Hi susieatl. I've heard you talk about your work before and thought my job gets me down i have to say i do value that i work with politically like-minded folks so we don't have to bite our tongues around politics. In fact we all got together to have a breakfast party when he got inaugurated the first time.

By the way you forget to capitalize the "Y" in 'anti-You'. hahahahaha....

(It was very difficult trying to find all those i's and ms to capitalize them. Especially since i hardly ever capitalize 'i 'when talking about myself.

Hey MaryAnn!!! See why i don't publish my blog address on Facebook? hahahaha.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I can tell by the stats that folks are looking and maybe they were just Googling Jesus and didn't read all the way through when they saw the peeps. But it did occur to me that some folks might be scared to post on a Jesus blog that i wrote thinking they might go to H-E-L-L.

What i like about looking at stats is to see which posts have been viewed. Like i have written here often in Notes to Self, the Bad Boyfriend blog post from years ago is continually clicked into. But today i found one from Feb. 2010 that i put up and totally forgot about that someone viewed and it's pretty funny. It's about stuff we distrust. So i'm going to make it the next blog post link until i can come up with another one.

Easter is over and i don't like keeping this one up much longer since no one is posting on it. It's like the Christmas wreaths on doors that make me crazy when they are still up there by Valentine's Day.

jojo cucina cucina said...

The post i'm talking about had 45 comments. louie, you're on it. pearl and Kylee/modern hippie (my niece) are on it too. EoDe and Grits are on it too. (I miss y'all)

I think it's a good thing to put up again, so y'all be thinking of what you distrust.

For example: i'm not sure that we should not be more worried about North Korea.

louielouie said...

I also distrust North Korea

louielouie said...

I like my peeps best when they're stale.

Sometimes I can't wait and I eat them fresh. They're good that way too.

I like to microwave my peeps

I like the chick peeps better than the bunny peeps

I prefer yellow chicks and pink bunnies

Those neon colors are just wrong.

I like Halloween ghost peeps and snowmen peeps; both look good in hot chocolate.

Valentines Day peeps are awful - they have some sort of disgusting fake cherry (or maybe it's supposed to be strawberry) flavor added.

One should not mess with the simply wonderful flavor of classic peeps

louielouie said...

I'm going to have a peep snack right now. The one's sitting open since Easter should be about perfect. . .

. . . I was wrong. They're still a little too soft. should have microwaved them. Yummy anyway.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I have always hated peeps. Maybe i would like the Easter holiday more if i did. And here's a weird thing for me. I notice that while my favorite color is green, i'm not crazy about eating green candies. I always leave green Jelly beans and gummi bears. And don't even get me started on green jello.

louie, you are never at your desk when i call you at work. I'm going to start to pretend to your secretary, Kelly, that i'm very important. I'm going to come up with a fake name. Some Chancellor from some Oregon Community College. I think they have one in Eugene, right?

I'm going to leave messages for you and my name is going to be Dr. Edna Blankenship. I've used the Blankenship name before and it's easy to remember, like Art Vandalay was for George Costanza in Seinfeld. Remember when he pretended to be an architect?

I hate that i remember shit like Seinfeld, but i can't remember the stuff i really need to remember.

jojo cucina cucina said...

Dammit, i SO wished i had thought of this for April Fool's Day. But then was that on Sunday?

Swiss said...

HMMM- anyone see my last comment? I do not.

Swiss said...

The picture is great- you quoting Jesus for us even better, Jo Jo !

jojo cucina cucina said...

Hey Swiss! i see two comments!!!