Friday, November 4, 2011

Everybody needs my advice!



RE: photo.... One morning during my summer vacation i woke up and Brian had made a happy face by the coffee pot using chopped nuts. So i took a photo. I love these things that my husband does. All the little post it notes, (i must have nearly a hundred of them saved up by now!), the cup of coffee he brings me every morning. It's the little stuff that counts so much. Probably my first advice would be to all husbands to pay attention to the little stuff. 



I was reading Dear Abby the other day, i don't even know why i read her anymore, she should be ashamed of herself. That bitch has the easiest job in the world because she never tackles anything big in her column and her advice is so banal.  (She and Mary Worth both need to die. Sorry louie.)


So this got me thinking about all the advice i wish i could give to people, if only they would ask. And i know y'all have some advice you want to give out too, so step right up and give it up! 


Advice by jojo: 


1. Barack Obama my advice to you is to get pissed off in a royal way every once in awhile for the shit you get blamed for that you know is not your shit. Take a freaking Anger Management classe... By that, I mean an Anger Management class that teaches you  HOW TO GET ANGRY. (Americans love rage!...Example: The Occupy Movement...LOVE those folks!  Take a hint.)


2. Facebook's founder Zuckerberg (is that his name?) needs to listen to me when i say he should limit the number of photos that anyone can post of their kid or grandkid. If you are on Facebook and you reach photo #25 of your grandchild, your Facebook account should be deleted, just like that, no warning. 


3. He should do the same thing with people posting about any kind of illness too. He should put a default in there that if you post more than 8 times about an illness that he sends your computer a REAL virus . 


4. I think Brad Pitt and Angelina should listen to me when i say to them, "just get the hell married. Then you will become boring to everyone, which is just what i think y'all want."


5. All of the Republican candidates running for President right now should just drop out. All of them. Every single one of them. And they should drop out all at the same time. Make a big announcement on Fox News, holding hands, standing side by side, to tell us they are not running. Here's what in it for them: By giving our country a rest from our Gone with The Wind-like presidential election campaign timeline maybe Republicans can win some kudos for that next go-round, not that i want them to.  (If i were Republican right now i would be so embarrassed to have these people running. Herman is no more qualified than i am to run for president!)


6. At the risk of sounding like Suze Orman (who i actually really like) ...Save money. That goes for everyone. I don't care how little money you make. Save some of it. Quit thinking you need stuff that in your heart you know you don't really need. 


7. If you are over 35 years old and wear bangs in a straight line across your forehead. Quit doing that. 


8. Do not look in that 3-way mirrors at your backside when trying on clothes. Only look at the front. 


9. If you wear perfume, be very careful how you wear it. Spray the air and walk into it. Like Audrey Hepburn. I can't believe how many women don't know this trick. 


10. If you are shopping for furniture or any kind of thing that is a big decoration/remodel for your house, Don't go cheap. I have a Drexel Heritage sofa that cost me two months salary back in 1983. It is still holding up and because it's made so well I'm going to pay to recover it rather than replace it. When you see something you really like in the home department but worry about the price, don't worry too long, you won't be sorry in the long run. But still keep in mind #6.  


Ok, i'm going to come back and give some more advice but i i'll do that so as to bump my comments. But come post yours! We all have great advice. 

9 comments:

equeyaya said...

i love the smiley face! brian is so great for you, jo! right now, everyone and their mother are giving me advice, which i appreciate, but a lot of it is conflicting, which can be overwhelming.

So I'll pass on the advice-giving for now, but yours are good, jo!

Hugs,

equeyaya

jojo cucina cucina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jojo cucina cucina said...

here is some advice. I just posted another list and lost it all when i went to post. If you have an iMac GET A DIFFERENT MOUSE. I swear this little fucker has lost more posts of mine that make me too angry to even recreate because i do not know why it does this and it won't get a warning or a command that lets you undo, like at least blogger will in that it puts in in a draft.

The post removed by me was me trying to recreate the problem by posting gobblygook and moving the mouse in the same way.

louielouie said...

Advice You Need:

Jo’s #11 – don’t go more than one day without exercising, can’t believe jo didn’t list her never skip 2 days rule. Maybe she thinks we all follow it so don’t need to hear it again. haha

Louie’s List:

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. I’m not talking significant others here; I mean applying relationship advice to other things in your life, like your job. This is a variation on marriage advice I was given years ago: Fix it, Shut up, or Get Out. Since everyone knows I can’t shut up, this boils down to two options for me, Fix It or Get Out.

Eat some protein before lunch everyday, even if it’s just a glass of milk.

Get your flu shot. You’ll be glad come winter.

Call your mother. Call your children. You do not have to have long conversations, but keep the communication open. If it’s someone you don’t want to talk to, it’s better to call prophylactically (prophylactically is one of my favorite words) so you can control the length of the conversation. If it’s someone you want to talk to, or wish would call you, making regular short contacts makes it easier when they do call and want to chat.

Wait 24 hours before sending that email; if you can’t run it through the Bitch-O-Meter process. (At my job that means having a select one or two folks read it to check the nasty-factor.) This applies to the “I can’t believe you did (or didn’t do) that” emails, “This is the 17th time I’ve answered that questions” email and basic instructional emails.

Jo’s right, get a new mouse for your imac

If you go somewhere in the morning before your bed-partner is awake, leave a note. Otherwise, how am I supposed to know if Aliens abducted you or not?

jojo cucina cucina said...

I agree about leaving the note louie. Otherwise i might think the Rapture had come cause i just know i'm going to still be in bed when that day comes.

I think i've run the not missing two days in a row for exercise into the ground by now and i DO assume y'all who know me follow that advice. It's my best advice. Right now i'm still doing the On Demand exercise and applying the same rule. It's still making me very sore which keeps me doing it because that just proves how much running doesn't help everything. Here is partly what i posted last night that got lost:

12. NEVER start a sentence with "No offense....." Nothing following those words is ever good.

13. I always say this one, but it's worth repeating: Drink more water than wine.

14. Be cautious about buying anyone art or jewelry unless they specifically ask you for it and you know their tastes.

15. Always try to park your car in the end slot. I practice this all the time and our 20 year old Honda Accord is still in great body shape for it's age.

16. Return shopping carts to their appropriate place. I say this because someone didn't and the one car ding on my newer Honda is from a runaway cart.

17. Never ask for advice if you can't take the truth. (i.e., "do these jeans make my butt look big?"

18. In fact speaking of jeans, which have been an obsession of mine for years. If you really want to know. Try all of your jeans on and have someone take a digital photo of your backside. Then donate all the ones that make your butt look like a giant flotation device and make note of the ones that look good. Then only buy that brand.

jojo cucina cucina said...

I can't believe some of y'all aren't here to give out your advice. EVERYBODY has advice we need.

I'm going to change this blog soon, maybe Friday and i want to remind myself about some things i want to talk about. How about those fr*icking MORMON commercials? What is up with those? (Save your comments for the blog post and if you want to post, stick to advice and come back on Friday)... I thought of something else last night when i was awake at 3 am but i can't think of it now. It will come to me.

Anyway. I have four days off and i need them badly. I might not even answer the phone because i did want to go on a trip to the mountains on the river but Brian had meetings and couldn't so i'm going to stay home and pretend i am there. It's been a tough week already.

susieatl said...

It's been a very rough week at work. All of Senior Management is out and all the men are fighting. Not the women just the male managers. And today one manager called another manager out in email and one of our vendors was copied.

So my advice to all these men is: Put your big boy pants on and just do the right thing. Telling another manager to get the F out of your department is not going to get you anywhere. Threatening to call our V.P. to tell on your fellow manager is not going to get you anywhere.

Oh and regarding Facebook - stop with the posting and reposting of "funny" sayings, "funny" cartoons, etc. They are only funny the first time (if that).

Another piece of advice for my ex, "if you want to have a relationship with your daughter who you only call twice a year, then don't start by calling and asking if her to come to your house and make Thanksgiving Dinner".

Amanda said...

Hmmm...advice is a tough one. I never feel like I know anything anymore. I'll keep it simple.

• Brush and floss. If you need motivation, think of that awful Lindsay Lohan picture recently. Ay carumba!

• Exercise in the morning. Bang it out instead of dreading it the entire day. My laziness is so powerful, I have to sneak up behind it while it's still asleep.

• If you aren't responsible enough to take care of a child, don't get a dog. They're incredibly labor- and cash-intensive. They are not status symbols or something to buy when you're bored. It's a 15-20 year commitment. They're hard work!

• Get any big, ugly moles removed from your face. Even if insurance won't pay for it. This is where Jo's No. 6 comes in. Having cash in the bank will ensure any unforeseen mole situations will be taken care of. Mole Money. Very important.

I think that's it for now. I'll try to be better about posting. I've been reading, though. I'm a creeper, as the kids say!

jojo cucina cucina said...

Yay, Amanda and susieatl are here! thank you. I've been reading your blog too but not posting all the time. You already know i'm not a dog person so i don't have much to add about dog stuff, except to say i am the perfect example of your advice on don't get a dog. I never wanted a kid because i don't want something/someone needing me too much. I hate being in demand, maybe it has something to do with my lifelong career as a secretary/office manager.

I WISH i could do your exercise in the morning. I just can't. When i have gone for runs BEFORE work in the morning i feel like i'm running the same speed, however i get back and my stopwatch tells me i'm about 2 whole minutes slower in the morning. I just don't have my mojo going that early. Brian and i are often awake at the same time at 3 am and we often talk about how we just go outside and get our run over with and come back to bed. That might be kind of a way to run in the morning, cause then it becomes an adventure instead.

susieatl...seriously? Your husband asked your daughter to MAKE T-Day dinner?

Is your job secure?

I had the day off today cause i have to work next weekend. (I have tomorrow off too as i posted earlier)... today was great. i got up and worked on my plans for our custom made computer desk and shelves that we are getting from our cabinet makers, who made our built in hutch and vanities and who are kind of artists really. (HE comes tomorrow to check out the space.) AND we're considering having them make us a bed with storage drawers underneath. But not sure we can afford them, but i drew up plans anyway.

Then i went for a run and did my On Demand workout. Took a bath. It was so sunny and 50+degrees that i walked to the grocery store to get wine and stuff for dinner and then came back and started reading a new book that i think i will love called The Chronology of Water. I called my friend Toni who retired from our office last year and we had a great time talking for an hour and discussing all kinds of things, including how stupid Rick Perry and Herman Cain are.

I miss our times when she and i started off the work day with a cup of coffee and political talk first thing in the morning. Now that she's gone i don't drink coffee in the morning at work. I only have one cup at home and that's it.

I wish some of the rest of y'all who might be reading would chime in. I know folks are reading cause i see the stats of page reads. Oddly enough EVERY DAY that Cat Stevens 1980's post from quite a while ago gets hits... it's the strangest thing. I know it's just from a search so they probably don't really read the blog, but somehow it gets a hit from a search. That post had 83 comments, which is a Letmetellyou record!