This is not for sissies. If you have read this blog before you know i have mentioned Thug Kitchen which is a great cooking blog for vegans and vegetarians and healthy eating. I am not a vegan or vegetarian but i love the blog mainly because of his liberal use of the Fuck word in a very hilarious way. (Also the recipes are quite delicious and we have made four of them already.)
Anyway i posted about my new favorite easy appetizer recipe for Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots that i just love (and so does everyone else it seems) and since i didn't have an idea for a blog post i decided to re-write the recipe the way Thug Kitchen might write it. I have linked his website at the very bottom so you can see for yourselves.
Anyway, here is what i came up with. The original recipe for Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots without the Thug Kitchen interpretation is on my previous blog post before this one: I Love Tator Tots. (This recipe did NOT come from Thug Kitchen though. I forget where I found it.)
How Thug Kitchen might write out the Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots recipe
1 pkg Ore Ida Tator Tots.
Don't buy any knock off shitty tator tots! Splurge on Ore-Ida's Extra Crispy Tots. Do NOT fucking cheap on the tots! Give up one of your fucking ass high maintenance caramel latte whips with extra cinnamon shit or whatever the fuck you make those poor baristas do to please your caffeine addiction and you will be able to afford the Ore-Idas.
If you can't do that. Then quit fucking reading right now.
(Not that i am getting one fucking dime for this Pimping of the Ore Ida Tots!)
If your Tots are totally frozen then pop those fuckers in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds or you will break your fucking toothpicks when you try to spear them. Be careful not to overthaw! (Limp Tots are about as good as limp dicks.)
Now for the bacon... You need at least one pound. Maybe a pound a half if you are making appetizers for a potluck party…and actually... make that TWO pounds now that i think about it because a lot of fucking deadbeat cheap people will show up to parties bringing nothing but their stupid smile. (And those same assholes will always drink their weight in beer or wine too, even as they don't bring any.)
Which now that i think about...why would you invite fucking assholes like that to your party anyway?
Ok, back to the recipe....
I know y'all probably love the thick sliced Manly Man bacon, but this won't do. Buy the Skinny Bitch bacon. Do be sure to go through every single fucking package of bacon in the grocery store UNTIL you fine one that doesn't have a lot of ooogy white fatty parts. (Because you are going to cut off all those parts and that is a waste of fucking moolah.)
Sugar Topping: Measure out 1/2 cup of brown sugar in a small bowl. (I think y'all are smart enough to not need to many fucking directions for that. Brown sugar is brown sugar, unless you are talking about what Rolling Stones are singing about.) If you end up doing more than 1 lb of bacon, then of course add more sugar.
In that same bowl add some of that Johnny’s Seasoning Salt. I don’t even want to say how much because if you have high blood pressure and you come back and fucking sue me because you had a stroke, Thug Kitchen has to hire a lawyer.... and I hate lawyers. (But if you are one of those fucking wimpy By the Book kinds of cooks who measure EVERYTHING, then i would start with 1/2 tsp of Johnny's.)
Add some cayenne pepper. I would start with ¼ tsp (maybe less) and then taste what’s in the bowl and go from there. This sugar mixture does not have to be an exact science, you just need enough to cover lightly and you want the right combination of salt/sugar.
Here’s come the fun part! Assembly line fuckers.
Spread out all the bacon strips on one long cutting board. Sprinkle that sugar/salt/cayenne business on top of all the bacon strips and press the sugar into the bacon. (It kind of melts into the bacon if it sits a bit.) Then cut each bacon piece in half, NOT lengthwise. You want them fuckers to be fat pieces to roll over that fucking fat tot.
Place those fucking tots on the end of all of your half bacon trip and roll those suckers up. Spear them with a toothpick.
Line a rimmed cooking sheet with foil so you don’t have to waste your time bitching about washing the fucking mess when all the sugar drips on your pan.
Put a wire baking rack on top of the sheet. If you don’t own a wire cookie rack, well then don’t give me any shit if your Bacon Tots come out soggy from sitting in bacon grease. (AND I don’t’ want any fucking lawsuits because you got clogged arteries from these either!)
Like I said earlier, forego one of those fucking snooty ass lattes and buy yourself a fucking wire rack. They don’t cost that much!
You can spray that rack with some of that fucking Pam spray, but I don’t really give a shit if you do or not.
Arrange the tots on the rack. Sprinkle with any leftover sugar/pepper/salt mixture. Don’t get your butt tangled up in a knot if you used it all and have none left though. They will still be fucking awesome without the sprinkles on top.
Bake in a 450 degree oven for 20 minutes or until that bacon turns crispy. Some of y’all have shitty ovens so it might not be the same. I suggest checking these fuckers at 15 minutes. (You might need to turn them over mid-way.
Serve, either hot or at room temperature. But keep these away from the fucking kids! They do not deserve them because kids never bringing a fucking thing to a party ever!
click here for Thug Kitchen website
click here for Thug Kitchen website
Don't say i didn't fucking warn you about the language!