Thursday, January 24, 2013

Stuff I Used To Want When I Was Younger

I loved her hair, her clothes, her eyeliner!
This is from Restoration Housewife's actual ad that  shows these cost $12.95 back then!

I thought she was SO beautiful and i wanted to be her. 
First off, I found out tonight in a form email from Pat O'Callahan (that I copied and pasted on Facebook) that The News Tribune did not choose me to be their Guest Columnist. Apparently thinking i was qualified to take over Dear Abby and for dissing folks for praying to Jesus on Facebook when He doesn't have a Facebook page did not resonate with the editors.

I didn't really think i had a chance, because you have to know our newspaper. But i hoped that maybe the Tribune might decide to take a chance on me and wouldn't it be cool if they did pick me and let me run with anything i wanted to write?

I am not the greatest writer but some of those folks they have chosen for Guest Writers are BORING and BANAL,  (Is that redundant?...probably why i didn't get chosen, i have a propensity to do that.)

One story was a woman writing about her grandmother's recipe and how as a little girl she loved making it with her... i forget the recipe i just remember thinking OH, how cutesy Norman Rockwell is that... barf!.....OK,  enough about that. But you can bet when i read these Guest Writers in the coming months i will be blogging about them.

But before i get to it, let's do a short Menu for The Day, it's been awhile.


Book: I am reading River of Doubt, a Teddy Roosevelt biography and Susieatl, i think you read this. I posted the question on your FB page. Did you? It's good. I also am getting ready to read Louise Erdrich's Roundhouse, and Zodiac (because i saw the Jake Gynllenhall/Robert Downey Jr movie recently on Encore about the Zodiac California serial killer back in the late 60's & 70's ...)

Music: I can't remember if i mentioned that i recently discovered Ray Bonneville. My nephew Brian introduced him to me. If John Hiatt and Bob Dylan (the way he sounds now) had a baby, the baby would be Ray Bonneville.

Best Thing That Happened: Girl Night last Saturday with jj, louie, and louie's amazing daughter Emma at HG Bistro. And a nice long run, with my new young 17 year old running partner, Katie. (Kylee/Modern Hippie's first cousin on her mom's side). She and i are training for the half marathon together and we run the same pace.

Shout Out: Susieatl.... where you be?

Ok, on with the Stuff I Wanted....Come and post your stuff!


1. White GoGo boots. (We're talking Shindig era, 1968.)

2. Real skates, you know, the kind that were boots that you laced up, not the stupid key tightening kind. 

3. I wanted Twiggy's short pixie cut. 

4. Every Monkees LP... i had i think one of them and then a bunch of 45s, like Last Train to Clarksville, etc. 

5. Remember mohair sweaters when they were popular? I so wanted one of those. (Just as well, i think i would have been allergic, and actually they were ugly too, like the GoGo boots, but i didn't think so back then.) 

6. I wanted a Stingray bike with a sissy bar. I had the big Schwinn girl bike with the boring handlebars it seemed like an old lady bike. then mini-bikes came out and i wanted one of those too, but knew that would never happen.

7. I was a military brat living in Japan during 1969-1973 and during that time many of my friends were wearing POW bracelets. My Dad wouldn't let me get one. Maybe he thought it was too morbid, i have no idea, he never gave a reason. 

8. I wanted to look like Olivia Hussey from Romeo and Juliet

That's all i have for now. 

Notes to Self:
Sunset: 5:01 (YAY! We are over the 5:00 pm mark!)
Hi Temp: 45 degrees
Low: 39
All Time Blog Views: 39,087

Thursday, January 17, 2013

License to Snark

If The News Tribune hires me to replace Dear Abby then I want to this to be the name of my column: License to Snark. Can't you just imagine the online comments when you ask people to come and add their own?

First let me explain the photo: Today the union rep, in an apologetic way, asked if i would be willing to make a Starbucks run to get coffee for the group she was working with. She knows i can't stand the group she was working with (they are a bunch of Junior League-y type secretaries), but she knows i will do it for HER. When she handed me the list of their order (scanned above) i had to laugh (in a mean way). I am a no-nonsense drip coffee drinker and OF COURSE these women would be high maintenance coffee drinkers. I handed over the list and said to the barista, 'i am too embarrassed to order this out loud'.  She laughed and said 'oh this nothing!'.

Here is what is significant about this: Sarah/louielouie came to visit me at work today on her way home. I had the paper sitting on my desk because i had even made sure to get it back from the barista because i knew i was going to bring it home and scan it and blog about it. And though i had not mentioned this little story to Sarah, she saw it, picked it up and also thought it was ridiculous. Then she said i should write about it.   (We are comrades in when it comes to stuff like this and one of the reasons why we are the best of friends for so many years. )

So on with my Snarks:

1. High maintenance food people make me crazy! I'm not just talking about my usual rants on vegans and gluten free stuff either. Those folks are mostly basically okay with me...  as long as i don't have to cook for them. I'm talking more about the special instructions that must be conveyed to every wait person they have ever ordered from. If you are a huge tipper, then it's okay. But i mean like in 25% tip huge, depending how obnoxious you are with your orders. (For example, my mom should always tip at least 30% for her constant never-ending ordering around of the wait staff - everything from wanting to change her table, her need of extra napkins, always more coffee, etc. etc.)

Here is the extent of my special ordering:
"Do you have a very dark beer that tastes slightly sweet?
"Dressing on the side".
"What's your biggest red?"

2.  Speaking of Dear Abby. She died today. The original one, not the fake daughter one took over and is no better than 1950's advice giving Abby. (I actually thought she died a long time ago, didn't you?) I hope my dissing Dear Abby in my submission for Guest Columnist doesn't disqualify me. Giving advice to stupid people has to be one of the more easy jobs in the world. No wonder she lived to be 94 years old!

3. I run through my neighborhood and there are way too many out there who still have their Christmas ornaments on their house. To me this is worse than putting them up after Halloween. When i am over something i am so over it. (Just like my two previous marriages.)

4. Lance Armstrong. Let's talk about this assf*ck for a bit. He's confessing to Oprah tonight. When did Oprah become a Catholic priest? (Remember how that Million Little Pieces author confessed that he lied about his memoir on her shows? ) I have never liked Lance Armstrong even before he dumped with Sheryl Crow. He's not handsome (I like my athletes to be gorgeous!), he's not charismatic and i have never been into bicyclists. Probably has something more to do with what they wear. (Nobody looks good in a bike helmet.) Worst of all, for me it's not the doping, it's how he lied over and over again in such a huge way. I've been involved with a drug addict before and i can say it was never the drugging so much as it was the lying, the kind of lying that makes YOU feel guilty for even being suspicious. Lance feels sort of like an ex-husband.

5. Let's talk about the Golden Globes. Jodie Foster's speech did not move me one iota. I thought it was weirder than skiddich... And i keep hearing about how amazing and moving it was on Facebook and the Internet. I thought it was all over the map, inarticulate, angry, rambling and not funny when she tried to be. (Plus she was sitting next to, and thanked Mel Gibson.) And she made a big deal of how she was not going to make a big deal out of being gay, which i always knew she was...really, didn't we all? .... even before the movie Freaky Friday. Get over yourself, Jodie! I knew you were gay and i didn't care if you were and i didn't care if you told me or not.

6. Jeff Bridges on Jon Stewart was so weird the other night that i don't like him as much as i used to. Did anyone else see this? He was on to promote his Zen book, i think. Only i can't remember because he was so incoherent it was hard to tell what he was even saying. I am sure he was either high or drunk. I love Jeff Bridges movies. I don't like it when i see an actor i love do a terrible interview. And when i think about it, most times when Jon Stewart interviews an actor is when i am most bored. Maybe boring people become actors because they need someone else to write their lines? Jeff wasn't necessarily boring as he was obnoxiously zoned out.

I will think of some more lately. But in the meantime, come and add your own snarks!

Notes to Self: 
Total all time blog views: 38,796
Page views last month: 1333
Total yesterday: 37
Jesus got more hits than Abby. Jesus got 88 hits. Abby got only 42. I am happy with that!
Sunset: 4:51
High temperature: 36 degrees. Low: 28 degrees. (We've had days and days of cold, but it's been sunny too!)
Shout Out: Amy, are you still here?

Here are some photos of what i mentioned in my previous Dear Abby is Overpaid blog post. I said no one over the age of 28 should have straight across bangs in my advice list and then what happens? ...Michelle Obama goes out and proves me wrong. Here is more what I'm talking about.
NO...this is that Vogue Bitch Boss 

Even Sandra Bullock's pretty face can't pull these off! 

While searching, i found this great haircut. I want her hair!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Dear Abby is Overpaid. My second entry applying for Guest Columist to the News Tribune

If you have Facebook, this will be redundant because i just added it on my profile page. I wanted to have it here too so that i have it archived on my blog.

I found out i had to come up with a second entry to apply for one of The News Tribune Guest Columnist for this year. Tomorrow is the deadline. So i came up with a topic:
The only person on the planet, whoever this bitch is, who can pull off skinny jeans! And i do believe she's the only one. Keep reading and this will make sense....

Dear Abby is Overpaid.

Recently there was a Dear Abby letter from a husband who needed Abby to help save his marriage. His wife had snooped through his computer’s browser history and found pages of women’s sexy lips. That was it – just sexy lips. And she got mad, calling it porn. Seriously, this was going to break up a marriage? Abby’s advice? Buy her a tube of red lipstick.

Dear Abby is overpaid because her writers are so stupid. I think if The News Tribune hired ME in place of Abby (for a fraction of the cost!) I would not only dispense the most excellent advice, I would also bring in smarter people.

As a resume for the job I offer up a sampling of my own random advice that everyone can use.

1. On weekends the first thing you should do when you wake up is make your bed. (That way you won't crawl back into it, thereby wasting away your time off.)

2. Wash your sheets on Thursday so that they feel great for the weekend. (Of course this could make it harder to get out of bed, which sort of negates Advice #1.)

3. Two cups of coffee is all any normal person needs. One is even better.

4. Women, do not tweeze your eyebrows after three glasses of wine. Men? Not even when you’re sober!

5. Don't loan your good stuff to anyone who you believe could get arrested at any time.

6. If you are a voracious reader and a bookstore lover, do not marry someone whose idea of literature is People magazine.

7. Here is my revised formula for women who should NOT wear skinny jeans: (I actually had an elaborate formula for this and threw it out. This is much simpler.) Measure your height: If you are not at least 6 feet tall, forget it. I don’t even care how much you weigh or how young you are.

8. Don't show your belly in regular everyday clothes unless you are under the age of 6.

9. If you are older than 28 and wear your bangs cut in a straight even line across your forehead, stop doing that.

10. If possible, always bring your own pillow if you travel.

11. Send handwritten thank you notes, even for small things.

12. Write your legislator when you feel strongly about something. Don't assume some other person will get that message out for you. And if you neglect to take the time to do this, then don't complain when your legislator doesn't do what you feel is right.

13. After you turn 40, make sure your bathroom has good lighting so you don't feel terrible about looking in the mirror. And never, ever buy one of those magnifying mirror that is more than 2 X magnification, or you will never leave the house.

14. Take calcium with Vitamin D every day.

15. Refrain from correcting people in public when they are wrong if you know in their heart they truly meant no harm.

16 When the winter doldrums and concrete colored sky start getting you down, buy yourself flowers, even if it is just one daffodil.

17. Rearrange your living room furniture. You will be surprised what a lift it can give!

18. Listen to music every day.

19. Do NOT listen to sad music if you are sad. I have just the song for you: I recommend buying this little song from iTunes: It’s called “75 and Sunny” by Ryan Montbleau. 

Notes to Self: 
Sunset: 4:39 pm
High temperature: 52 degrees
Low: 46 degrees
Page views today: 48
All time page views: 38,407

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Jesus doesn't have a Facebook Page save your prayers ...+ more Facebook Rants!

i am never more happy than when i am ranting about stuff. And i've been talking about my love/hate relationship with Facebook ever since i joined. Now that Sarah/louielouie is on Facebook i thought it might be fun for us all to rant about what we hate about Facebook. 

I hope i don't offend anyone if i list something you do often. Please don't take it personally. If you were the only one, i wouldn't mind, but that's not always the case.     --jo     

Here we go... I sort of have an idea about what i am going to say, but i think some stuff will just come to me as i go:

1. First off I've been sick for a whole week now. And you didn't see it on Facebook now, did you? I wouldn't even mention it here except to make my point. If you are sick, why are you even thinking about Facebook? You know how i knew i was sick? ... i didn't want a glass of wine, i missed running 6 days in a row (that hasn't happened in over 3 years),  my head hurt too much for me to even read a book, and i didn't feel like checking Facebook.

If you are posting about being sick on Facebook, turn off the computer and get your ass to work. I do not feel sorry for you. Because you're not THAT sick. (I do, however feel sorry for me, and i want you to also, because i was sick on my vacation days!)

2. OMG, the e-card cutie shit. Please stop with that! If you made up the quote or joke yourself, well get on with your bad clever self then...but if you are constantly stealing it from Pinterest - just know that everyone else is (and i bet even louielouie's 6 friends too) are already duplicating that post. Redundancy is a Facebook sin!

3. Quit posting those sad and gruesome photos of the babies with the deformities so that everyone can send prayers. First of all. Jesus doesn't have a Facebook page. (I know, cause I checked.)  I recently hid a photo of a baby that was being passed around:  the baby had been born with his heart on the outside of his body. I am not kidding. Nobody needs this on Facebook.

4. If someone you love is dying of cancer, do not put it on Facebook for everyone to see. It's far too serious. Email your real friends, you know you can do that at the same time. ,The rest of us who don't really know you for real don't need this information and never know what to say, except the usual banality and i'm sure that doesn't make you feel better anyway.

I don't think Facebook was set up to break horrible bad news to people and it's a risk to do this, not to mention a lazy way to get information out. AND if i ever get really sick and someone posted it on Facebook, i will tell you now that i won't be so sick that i can't come over and kick some ass.

5. You know those posts with all the letters in rows? They ask you what is the first word you see. OK, it's ALWAYS LOVE or some other touchy feely word, and it's usually positioned exactly where the eye is trained to go, on the left upper corner near the top, but not at the top top. You are not special for finding this hidden word, okay? And it doesn't make you a nicer person because you found it. Because i find it every single time.

6. Same with those photos of trying to find the hidden faces in pictures. Those are easy. They don't make you a genius. If you can't find them, then you are probably drunk on your ass. (Though normally, i highly recommend posting on Facebook while slightly enebriated... makes it more interesting.)

7. If you only posts photos of your babies and children, you are getting hidden by me. I love photos of babies doing unusual things and with special smiles. But you have to post other things too for me to like them. I don't need to see 84,000 photos of your kid who pretty much looks the same in every one of them. In fact, before you even post any photos, think about how redundant they might be.

8. If you are going to post about politics, this is fine. I love reading about politics most times. I like hearing about opinions too. But be careful. Do do not incite folks to start a raging war on your post. That just makes you a total ass. Use words about how you feel about something. Don't intentionally try to inflame. Otherwise that makes you a Republican! (hahah, just kidding.)

I have more of these. I'm just getting started. PLEASE come add yours. And please don't take it personally if i mention something you do here. I honestly don't think i am talking about anyone who is a regular here anyway.

Mark Zuckerberg should make me the Facebook Czar. I will be looking for a job soon!

Notes to Self: 
Sunset: 4:33 pm
All time blog posts: 38, 114
Blog views yesterday: 33
In the news: fiscal cliff averted (not sure averted is the right word....)