Friday, May 31, 2013

How Thug Kitchen Would Interpret my Bacon Wrapped Tator Tot Recipe....Warning!

This is not for sissies. If you have read this blog before you know i have mentioned Thug Kitchen which is a great cooking blog for vegans and vegetarians and healthy eating. I am not a vegan or vegetarian but i love the blog mainly because of his liberal use of the Fuck word in a very hilarious way. (Also the recipes are quite delicious and we have made four of them already.)

Anyway i posted about my new favorite easy appetizer recipe for Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots that i just love (and so does everyone else it seems) and since i didn't have an idea for a blog post i decided to re-write the recipe the way Thug Kitchen might write it. I have linked his website at the very bottom so you can see for yourselves.

Anyway, here is what i came up with. The original recipe for Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots without the Thug Kitchen interpretation is on my previous blog post before this one:  I Love Tator Tots.  (This recipe did NOT come from Thug Kitchen though. I forget where I found it.)

How Thug Kitchen might write out the Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots recipe

1 pkg Ore Ida Tator Tots.
Don't buy any knock off shitty tator tots!  Splurge on Ore-Ida's Extra Crispy Tots. Do NOT fucking cheap on the tots! Give up one of your fucking ass high maintenance caramel latte whips with extra cinnamon shit or whatever the fuck you make those poor baristas do to please your caffeine addiction and you will be able to afford the Ore-Idas.

If you can't do that. Then quit fucking reading right now. 

(Not that i am getting one fucking dime for this Pimping of the Ore Ida Tots!)

If your Tots are totally frozen then pop those fuckers in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds or you will break your fucking toothpicks when you try to spear them. Be careful not to overthaw! (Limp Tots are about as good as limp dicks.)

Now for the bacon... You need at least one pound. Maybe a pound a half if you are making appetizers for a potluck party…and actually... make that TWO pounds now that i think about it because a lot of fucking deadbeat cheap people will show up to parties bringing nothing but their stupid smile. (And those same assholes will always drink their weight in beer or wine too, even as they don't bring any.)

Which now that i think about...why would you invite fucking assholes like that to your party anyway?

Ok, back to the recipe....

I know y'all probably love the thick sliced Manly Man bacon, but this won't do. Buy the Skinny Bitch bacon. Do be sure to go through every single fucking package of bacon in the grocery store UNTIL you fine one that doesn't have a lot of ooogy white fatty parts. (Because you are going to cut off all those parts and that is a waste of fucking moolah.)

Sugar Topping: Measure out 1/2 cup of brown sugar in a small bowl. (I think y'all are smart enough to not need to many fucking directions for that. Brown sugar is brown sugar, unless you are talking about what Rolling Stones are singing about.) If you end up doing more than 1 lb of bacon, then of course add more sugar. 

In that same bowl add some of that Johnny’s Seasoning Salt. I don’t even want to say how much because if you have high blood pressure and you come back and fucking sue me because you had a stroke, Thug Kitchen has to hire a lawyer.... and I hate lawyers. (But if you are one of those fucking wimpy By the Book kinds of cooks who measure EVERYTHING, then i would start with 1/2 tsp of  Johnny's.)

Add some cayenne pepper. I would start with ¼ tsp (maybe less) and then taste what’s in the bowl and go from there. This sugar mixture does not have to be an exact science, you just need enough to cover lightly and you want the right combination of salt/sugar.

Here’s come the fun part! Assembly line fuckers.

Spread out all the bacon strips on one long cutting board. Sprinkle that sugar/salt/cayenne business on top of all the bacon strips and press the sugar into the bacon. (It kind of melts into the bacon if it sits a bit.) Then cut each bacon piece in half, NOT lengthwise. You want them fuckers to be fat pieces to roll over that fucking fat tot.

Place those fucking tots on the end of all of your half bacon trip and roll those suckers up. Spear them with a toothpick. 

Line a rimmed cooking sheet with foil so you don’t have to waste your time bitching about washing the fucking mess when all the sugar drips on your pan. 

Put a wire baking rack on top of the sheet. If you don’t own a wire cookie rack, well then don’t give me any shit if your Bacon Tots come out soggy from sitting in bacon grease. (AND I don’t’ want any fucking lawsuits because you got clogged arteries from these either!)

Like I said earlier, forego one of those fucking snooty ass lattes and buy yourself a fucking wire rack. They don’t cost that much!

You can spray that rack with some of that fucking Pam spray, but I don’t really give a shit if you do or not. 

Arrange the tots on the rack. Sprinkle with any leftover sugar/pepper/salt mixture. Don’t get your butt tangled up in a knot if you used it all and have none left though. They will still be fucking awesome without the sprinkles on top.

Bake in a 450 degree oven for 20 minutes or until that bacon turns crispy. Some of y’all have shitty ovens so it might not be the same. I suggest checking these fuckers at 15 minutes. (You might need to turn them over mid-way.

Serve, either hot or at room temperature. But keep these away from the fucking kids! They do not deserve them because kids never bringing a fucking thing to a party ever!

click here for Thug Kitchen website

Don't say i didn't fucking warn you about the language!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

i love tator tots....

Brian is at band practice and since we were gone on a trip for 5 days there is no food in the house. I just got back from running and thought i might have something in the freezer like chili or spaghetti..but all i could find were some frozen extra crispy Ore-Ida Tator Tots. So i zapped them in the microwave for 1:45 and i'm happy. (Maybe if i hadn't gone running i would feel a little bit guilty.)

I am not too embarrassed to say that i love tator tots. (Am i supposed to capitalize the T's?)

The Thug Kitchen probably would kick my ass if he knew. I guess i could have opened a can of white beans instead. We always have some of those.

Sometimes i like to eat like i'm a young single poor twenty-something year old. Fast, easy and unhealthy.

I don't really have much to say but i like changing the blog early when nobody is posting. I'm running out of things to talk about. I've overdone my love/hate relationship with Facebook, menopause, retirement, and stuff i hate. I think sometimes when i am on vacation my brain gets so relaxed i get kind of dull witted. This could be bad if i don't get a job.

I might have to temporarily close for repairs.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Memorial Day Musings.

Happy Memorial Day just sounds wrong doesn't it? Even so, Happy Memorial Day y'all...

We are Ocean Point Inn in Arch Cape outside of the very touristy Cannon Beach. Yesterday on the beach in front of our place some teenage boys (four of them about 14 or 15 years in age) put together this tribute to Memorial Day. It says on the big rock: In Memoriam ...Thanks.

Pretty cool, huh?

My family and friends who come to mind to honor on Memorial Day are: my grandmother Bop, my sister Kelly, my nephew Joshua, my good pool buddy Dorothy,  my husband's father Bert and my two yaya aunts (my mom's sisters from Morgan City, Louisiana), Judy and Connie.

1. Bop was the first strong woman i ever knew. We lived with her awhile in Morgan City, Louisiana for awhile when my Dad was stationed in France when i was 2 years old. She didn't drive a car but she was fiercely independent in spite of that. She had all kinds of people waiting to do her bid. She was so entertaining, a great cook, an even better housekeeper (a little on the OCD ,  i think i got this from her), she drank Schlitz out of a can and smoked Viceroys and looked like she was 20 years older than she was. She loved to sing but had a terrible overly dramatic singing voice and she had many funny poems that she recited. She kind of looked like Bette Davis. I know i wasn't her only favorite, but she made me feel like i was. She died at the age of 85... and as an insulin diabetic i am not sure how she lived THAT long.

My sister Kelly was only 35 years old and had always struggled with her life. But she was incredibly likable and when you met her you didn't see that she was a person with issues unless you spent a lot of time with her. San Diego will always remind me of her. We had two great vacations together in 1989 and 1990 when she was at her happiest. She was my best friend for awhile and then we lost each other when she married a bad guy who made deposits to her ...what i used to call.... Bank of Angst.

My nephew Josh was only 24 but was unlike my sister in that he always seemed to have it together so we never saw it coming that he really didn't have it together. He was so handsome. (I would refer to him as Josh Gyllenhall.) He is the hardest person on my list to lose. I think about him alot. I can only imagine what this is like for my brother Troy.

The first time i met Dorothy was when i first moved into my condo in 1992. She came to my door to have me sign a petition against the condo board. I knew i had met a comrade. And that's exactly what we became shortly after. Brian and i used to have her over to play Scrabble and drink wine nearly once a week in the last year and a half  before she died. She was an ace Scrabble player. I still have all the scorecards and once i counted over 45 of them. she beat us most of the time until the ending games. to this day i haven't met a person who can tell a story like Dorothy. (except my grandmother Bop comes close.) It's been i think 6 years now, 7 this August since she died. but Brian and i talk about her so often, it's like she's just a few doors away still and we can go knock on her door and tell her to come by for a game.

Brian's father Bert looked like Ben Cartwright and could intimidate the shit out of people.( i can only imagine how the poor guys who dated his daughter Debbie handled meeting him.) But i liked him immediately. He liked talking one on one, like i do. One time at a family reunion we talked so long that my bare feet got sunburned. He had strong opinions when the rest of the family didn't. He was a barber, a professional archer (something i have ALWAYS wanted to do) and quite the fisherman. He used to help me with my fly casting. When he died i gave his eulogy. It was just something i really wanted to do even though like most people, public speaking is terrifying. but i felt like he was up there with me. He was quite a character and i still miss him and that twinkle in his eyes.

My yaya aunts. People just pale in comparison to these two at a party and i suspect it's one of the reasons my mom can be so obnoxious in how she pimps herself for attention. (Such as the time she started dancing by herself during the father/bride dance when my nephew Brian got married last September). It must have been hard for her to have such colorful, lively and wise sisters. Unlike my mom Elodie, Connie and Judy didn't set out to get attention intentionally. but they have presence. I used to live with my Aunt Judy, the oldest sister after my mom's accident. She too could be intimidating and i never wanted to make her mad because i respected her so much. When i think about it sometimes i feel like i am somewhat like my Aunt Judy to my nieces Kylee and Ashley and Kelly was more like Aunt Connie. Connie was more easygoing and laid back and the most fun and carefree.

Who are you missing today? Come and tell us about them.

BTW: Shout Out to the newest #32 follower, Carrie! I just noticed you today. I hope you post. I wondered if anyone from the retreat would make a point of checking in after Sonya mentioned this blog during the social networking part of the training. Welcome Carrie! For the rest of you, Carrie is a public school elementary librarian and if i don't get a real job next year i want to go volunteer in her library. I started my whole education career working in libraries. I loved working in the library, it just didn't pay enough at the time since i was only an assistant so I became a secretary instead.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I have no idea what's on my mind.

...but i'm going to see what we go....
1. The Oklahoma tornado just hit last Monday and now you all have my permission to kick my ass if i complain about our Pacific Northwest gloomy weather, semen colored summer skies again.

2. I'm not saying i won't complain about it, cause i will forget eventually and bitch about it by this time next year. I'm just sayin' you can beat me up for bitching.

3. I got a third pair of bifocals in as many years and they still aren't right. I'm back to wearing my Costco readers. So tell me why they can make an old man's dick get hard (even when the wife is wearing her ugly big mama's and a big flannel nightgown) but they can't make your eyes work once you're older?

 I told my husband they should be able by now to take our eyeballs out of our head and put them in a tumbler that shapes them just right so we can all see perfectly. Penises over eyesight. In the words of what The Thug Kitchen dude would say if the Thug was a girl: Penises over eyesight? That's fucked! Eat more carrots! 

4. ....Not to mention penises over menopause!

5. Ok, Ok....i think i remember that i said i would not talk about my menopause issues anymore.

6. Only i can't remember for sure it was menopause or retirement i was going to stop talking about...I can't remember  since i am in menopause!

Let me interrupt this blog to put on some music. I am going to close my eyes and click into my library and play that song.


7. Ok, I'm back...."You Ain't Alone" by Alabama Shakes is now playing. (hahaha. i don't like to scroll too much. I've never been very adventurous with my eyes closed so i stopped at the A's...not a bad song to stop at though.)

8. I was excited to know that Ben Affleck was closing out SNL this season, only to be disappointed in his performance. Did he not show up at all for rehearsals all week? He clearly was reading his cue cards. (Almost worse than Robert DeNiro years ago.) The whole show was so lame compared to Mick Jagger's close last year at this time.

9. I got a massage yesterday. My husband bought it for me for one of my birthday presents for doing the half marathon last Sunday. It was fabulous!  If i were rich i would get one every day! (I always wonder why people don't get massages instead of spending their money trying to escape life with drugs. Massages have to be way better than any drug that anyone can take.)

(I wish every disgruntled, ill-mannered person who walked into our union office could first go off in a room and get one of those work type of chair massages before they even spoke to us.)

10. hahaha.. how about that!.... i managed to get my birthday AND my half marathon in one sentence just cause i love to talk about my accomplishments. (I can do that because it's MY BLOG! Though i thoroughly encourage everyone to come here and talk about how you have done something that makes you proud of yourself!)

11. Also because I am against false humility. The sin of pride is the least of my sins!

I can't pretend that i am not proud of being 56 years old and completing this race. (It's on Facebook but indulge me please to add it here to for history:)  I ran it in 1:58:46, which is an average pace time of 9:04 ending  in the top one third of all runners, including the men. (Something like 1256 runners completed the race.) It was my 4th time running it but i think my fastest time, or maybe my second fastest.

12. I found out that i can run hills since i trained for them this year, (thanks to my friend Karie who i ran with on Mondays). I loved passing people younger than i was.  And men too.... that was the best!

13. It's a long time to run and what's funny is i don't really even remember what i  thought about. Last year when i was training i worried it would be difficult without my iPod - which hadn't been invented when i ran my previous one. (Listening to music is totally frowned upon in a race so i didn't even consider it for long)... I thought i would get bored and it would be such a terrible drag. But i was never bored at all!  Even though i can't remember what i was thinking. (I do remember at one point doing math in my head about how fast i had to run the last few miles to break 2 hours.)

13. This must be why i like running a race like this. Maybe my brain is most at rest when my body is working hardest.

Ok, that's all i got. So what's is going on with all of y'all?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Blog Slog.

I am just going to wing this cause i won't have time to change it for a few days.

1. I have 16 Mondays left until i retire and about 6 of those will be vacation ones. I have been in three meetings within one week that have been full of hostile, disgruntled and ill mannered people. The reasons vary and i won't bore you but i realize retirement can't come fast enough anymore.

I told my boss that for me, waiting for retirement feels something like this:   You're traveling in a car on a very long road trip and you start to feel the urge to pee.... only you aren't quite ready to stop yet, so you keep driving and have no trouble holding it for awhile. And finally a rest stop sign says the next one is 25 miles away. So you say to your spouse, 'okay, let's stop when we get there because i need to pee'. And you are still able to maintain your bladder for another half hour or so.. But then something happens when you pull into the rest stop.... All of a sudden it becomes super urgent... like with a capital U.

And before you can almost get into the bathroom stall and pull down your zipper you are ready to burst. And heaven help you if there is a line - the closer you got to the toilet the harder it became. It's the knowing you are almost there but not quite that makes it unbearable.

That's how i feel about retirement. When can you retire and what do you think you'll want to do? 

2. I haven't finished watching the DVD yet because we put it on too late, but i already LOVE Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained.  Has anyone else seen this? The scene where they are wearing KKK kind of masks but they can't see through the holes is hilarious. I am glad Tarantino won the Academy Award for Best Screenplay.

His Pulp Fiction is still one of my Top Ten favorite movies. And it's almost one of those deal breaker movies. In that i wouldn't want to ever date a guy (if i were still dating) if he said the movie Pulp Fiction was too offensive and violent. I was never attractive to overly sensitive guys. What off the wall movie do you love? 

3. After training since January i run my half marathon on Sunday. I have a goal. It's to beat my time last year. My spreadsheet shows that i have trained more than last year. So unless i feel terrible or something hurts, i think i can do it. I'm going to try. My other goal is to keep running at least until i am 60 years old (4 years from now) but this might be my last race. I don't love running at all. I just can't not do it. What do YOU do that you don't like? 

4. I need measurable goals, especially ones that get me outside. I am the least adventurous person i know but i do what i can to get myself out of the house. I swear sometimes i could almost be agoraphobic.  What goals do YOU make for yourself? 

5. Dammit, My iTunes updated itself and it's very confusing and incredibly irritating. I did not update it cause i hate stupid changes that don't make sense. And my husband tells me he didn't update it. Now i'm trying to figure out how to get my recently purchased songs on to my iPod which is plugged in. I have to ask: Has anyone ever had a technological update that improved your life? 

OK, that's all i got for now. I have to go figure out this iTunes thing. I know it won't be THAT difficult it's just that it is a surprise and i HATE SURPRISES!!! I really do. 

Notes to Self:                                                                                     
Blog views last month: 1188
All time blog views: 43,626
Most popular blog view this month: Bad Boyfriend Story (again!)
Shout Out: equeyaya! Amulbunny!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Owe Life of Pi to Pho... & Other Random Stuff

edited because i found a photo i like better!
1. If i were only 25 years old....I would be totally in love with this guy. (Don't you believe too that he is a really good guy in real life?) I finally saw Silver Linings Playbook and i loved Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence so much in the movie. I didn't even mind that they changed the movie from the book. (I don't think the author did either.)  Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence would replace my young crushes of Al Pacino (as Serpico) and Ali MacGraw (Love Story).

2. I finally finished Life of Pi. Almost didn't. But here's what happened: I think it was about 100 pages in....and it still wasn't grabbing me so i put it in my car to give back to louielouie. And one day i went to get some take-out Pho for lunch and i had no other book to read while waiting except for Life of Pi. And it just so happened while waiting for my order i got to the part where the ship sinks. And that is when i got interested. I loved this book!

3. Loving Life of Pi goes along with what i have mentioned here before on the blog. So often it's the book i keep picking up and putting down over and over again that ends up being on my Top List. This happened with Cutting for Stone, The Art of Fielding, A Prayer for Owen Meaney, and many others that i forget titles too.

4. If you haven't ever heard John Butler Trio, you should check out Betterman but listen to the version from their Three album. I saw these guys in concert with Julie, (jj here) and it was the best concert i've ever been to. (They just came on my iTunes which made me post this.)

5. I don't care about the story of Amanda Knox. I saw that CNN interview in part and first off who is that asshole interviewing her? What a jackfuck he was. But she wasn't cool either. If a legitimate writer publishes a book about her story i will read it. But it has to be by someone like Vincent Bugliosi. (I don't think Anne Rule is as good as she used to be.)

6. The story about the 3 kidnapped women for a decade is amazing however. And i do care more about that story. I hope the media doesn't make those poor women and child's lives miserable.  I haven't watched anything today about it so i don't know if there is something new. I sort of hope this doesn't hang in the news too long even as the story is compelling.

7.  It's Mother's Day Sunday. I'm hosting at my house. I hate Mother's Day for its obligatory-ness. My mom always feels so entitled to something big. Brian's mother, who is much sweeter does not. I would rather do for her. But at least my brothers and Kylee and Ashley will be here so i am looking forward to it.

8. One reason being that it motivated me to get my patio cleaned and plants hanging and my windows washed and just all around spring cleaning. Not that anyone in my family cares since they are used to my mom's hoarder-like home.

9. Anyway, aside from how much i hate Mother's Day, i want to wish all of you here who are mothers because i think you took on the bravest job in the world. And i am happy to know that there are good folks out there like you procreating.