It's Easter: Jesus doesn't have a blog but He asked me to write it for Him.

Hi, this is Jesus. It's Easter tomorrow. I want to set the record straight on what Easter means to Me cause I think y'all think it means more to Me than it does. (Disclaimer: I am not the one capitalizing the 'M' in me. That would be jocucina, who is not entirely on board with all of the Easter Stuff, but is willing to suck up to Me while she posts what I want her to post.)

#1. All this praising Me....it's not My deal.  I wish I were down there with y'all right now just to hang out so I could tell you to chill out. I don't need My own Holiday (especially one that involves those gawdawful peep candies) when I already have a Birthday honor. And believe Me that is plenty!... (And a whole 'nother blog post.)  Easter is all My Dad's doing. He's as bad as any Baby Boomer/Soccer Mom parent bragging on their kid...boring everyone around them as they talk about their kid and how they did this and that and everything. So y'all need to take that with a grain of salt, OK? I am just like you...only I truly did have better parents.

#2. Let Me say this about Same Sex Marriage since it's it your news these days. Here's the thing:  My Dad/God actually meant for all of you to be gay. Did you not know that? YOU are the ones who screwed it all up! Think about it. It makes sense when you talk about the frequency of how much sex you want. And how leaving the toilet seat up is no longer an issue. And who replaces the toilet paper roll.  So stop with the nonsense and get this done!

#3. I did rise up from the dead. That is true. But it was a one time thing, OK? (Sort of like how if Bruce Springsteen and the Stones got together to make one fantastic album. I don't think they have released a song together, I just thought of them because of Springsteen's The Rising album.) Anyway, My rising is not going to happen again. And I don't expect y'all to make THAT much out of that. I don't care if you make it all about Easter Egg Hunts, OK? My Dad made me do it. So I did it because I was afraid of being put on restriction. (Can you imagine what it would be like to be put on restriction by God????) 

#4. However, I still think My Dad/God is kind of a cool Dude.(

#5. Obama. Let Me talk about this man for a moment: Obama might have been naive when he ran for President. He was all about hope and change and believed he could change the polarization of America. Hope and Change never win. If I know anything that, it's that hope and change will always be slam dunked by The Others because it's too positive. (And by The Others, I don't mean those Lost characters.) I mean by those who hate that a black man is in office. Or who are suspicious of anyone who 'pussy-ish' to them  in their views about gun control or war or taxes. (I realize that I might have just invented a new word with 'pussy-ish', but I'm Jesus and I can do that. )

#6. By the way for the record... I like Obama.

#7. And not only that, I am here to tell you it's not always about America. I HATE those bumper stickers that say "God Bless America" as if my Dad/God only cares about one little part of the Universe. I want to see bumper stickers that say "God Bless The Whole World + Infinity".  And I really hate those WWJD messages too. I tell you What Would Jesus Do right now. He/Me would rip every one of those sticker/buttons whatever off and tell you to get your fucking brain in order, get off your ass and quit relying on someone else/Me to clean up your shit!
#8. Here's the other thing bothering Me about how y'all are interpreting What Would Jesus Do?  I truly do not give a shit about what you do. It's not about going to church or praying. I'm happy as long as what you do is honest and kind. Don't pretend to be what you are not. Be your bad self. Or be your good self. Just don't intentionally harm others. In the end it's My Dad/God who gets to choose the folks who get to Heaven. And those of you pretending, going through the motions, well you might not be that person. You might be dancing in Hell with Charlie Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler. (BTW, Ted Bundy never fooled Me with that born again shit before he was executed.) And speaking in tongues is the same as rapping to Me.

Anyway, when it comes to heaven, it's not really My call. It's my Dad's.

That's all I have to say. Happy Easter to all of you... even those of you who don't follow Easter: Buddhists, Muslims, Jehovah Witnesses, Jews, Agnostics, Atheists, Vegans, and so on and so on. (Oops, I forgot Veganism is not a religion!)

And for you Christians, I hope you get to church early and don't have to stand  at the back of the church. 

I love you all, I really do. That is not a lie.......(Even those of you who don't deserve it.)
Thank you jocucina for letting Me use your blog to say My piece. I hope you invite Me again. (But next time I want editing rights so you quit capitalizing My pronouns. I don't want to come off as some narcissistic douchebag who thinks I'm all that.)

Chapter 1 of jojo & louie's Anti-Self-Help Manual

Chapter 1 - How to be uncool: 

1. Always, always, wear a fanny pack. Even when you are not on vacation.

2. When the bride is dancing with her father at her wedding, make sure you get up and dance too. (This sort of goes along with my video of Elodie, my mother. Obviously from the song you can tell this is not the Father/Daughter wedding dance, but later on she got up and danced during that time by herself too. My mom, she's a hoot and a real Louisana Yaya. And i know if she was/were not my mother i would like her a lot more.)

3. When you run into an old friend and they have gained a lot of weight be sure to ask when their baby is due.

.................................................................................

Screw this. i've been struggling with this Chapter for two days already.. This has been in draft longer than that. I need your help louie! .... i don't think it's because i'm too cool. I think it's because i don't think i'm cool enough to recognize what being uncool is. So i'm going back to Menu of the Day for now because i'm tired of seeing Plaid Brian, (even though he sort of matches the colors of my blog banner).

Menu of the Day:

Where I am: Sequim, 4th night of mini-vacation on the Dungeness Spit. Brian is heating up the spaghetti i brought and i'm sitting at the kitchen table writing, drinking a glass of chardonnay.


Book: i'm reading 3 of them. Round House by Louise Erdrich, and Tell the Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt. I have put aside Life of Pi and i'm almost ready to put aside Round House too even though i am 3/4 of the way through it. (Both Round House and Life of Pi started strong for me and then lost me. Anyone else reading these books? Susieatl? Tell me to stick with them and i will!)

The Best Thing: 5 days vacation in Sequim on the beach. And it's sunny! (thought not warm).

The Worst Thing: running has been a struggle this week. I could barely finish 45 minutes today. Also i wasted two days of vacation being laid up with explosive allergies. (sometimes i really hate trees! March is always the worse for me. )

In the News: You tell me, we don't have TV here.

What i could give a shit about: March Madness basketball. I hate March Madness and i wish the basketball nonsense would stop on my Facebook page. It's EVERYWHERE. I really do not care about Gonzaga. and i have no idea whatsoever about what a bracket means. But my niece Ashley posted about one and MaryAnn here did too. What the hell does that mean MaryAnn?

Meanwhile: i will sit here and drink my Vintage Press chardonnay from Trader Joes, which is better than there regular $3.99 chardonnay. I think it might have cost $9.99. It's ok.



So what are y'all doing?


Notes to Self:
Shout out: susieatl and amulbunny

All time blog views: 41,539

Views last month: 1358

Views yesterday: 76. (that's alot for this blog. I wish people would just post a happy face to say they were here if they actually read it.)

jojo and louie's Self Help Book ideas...

This photo could accompany the chapter titled: What Not To Wear the Morning After

Menu of the Day: 

Book: Some crime novel, not good enough to list, but it's fun because it's got many references about Tacoma area/Pacific Northwest and Ted Bundy. Sometimes i need escape reading.

What i can't get out of my head: That song i bought from Rhianna called Stay. hahaha, i just know if i were a young girl in a difficult relationship i would probably be playing this song over and over. 

Product endorsement: i have FINALLY found the perfect jeans. I don't even care that they cost $189. I am talking about '7 for all Mankind' jeans. I got fed up with the Not Your Daughter Jeans so i went to a different department and found a young savvy clerk. I told her i wanted no skinny jeans, not too low waisted and no over embellished pockets. She sold me these. I loved them so much i went and bought another pair. 

Some Good News...maybe: About our taxes. Our CFO at work told me not to file until she contacted the the retirement tax attorney. Turns out that the retirement withdrawal penalty is if you have a retirement that is sitting there that you take out of and because mine is a monthly payout for the rest of my life i am exempt from the penalty after all. She is working on getting my 1099 changed. 

The Photo: This was taken one morning last December. If you look closely the plaids don't really match, though they look like they do. When i saw Brian wearing these, not even trying to be funny, i grabbed my camera. (He made me promise i wouldn't put it on Facebook, but i never said i wouldn't post it here!)

Bitch of the Day: I am having the worst time formatting this blog post tonight, because no matter how many times i go back to change the font issues (since i copied and pasted from that Wicked Word) it retreats to the original horrible Times Roman. I'm trying to HTML fix it, but i keep deleting certain words too. So this is probably going to have to look funny. Which i hate, because it messes with my OCD. 

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My idea is that our Anti-Self Help book is sort of like what Stephen Colbert does :  it demonstrates the absurdity of certain actions/opinions when you act like the proponent of said action/opinion. 

Here are my ideas for chapters. I hope y'all come up with some chapter ideas. Later I would like to maybe take a chapter here and there and blog about what the content would be. 

A few ideas: 

1. 10 ways you can get yourself fired.

2. How to make your friends want to drop you like a hot potato as you plan your wedding...your baby...your divorce.

3. How to cook for vegans and gluten free friends. Maybe a different chapter on how to cook for vegans and gluten free people you don't like so much. (They would be different recipes!)

4. How to tell if you have Aspbergers or OCD.

5. Hairstyles that don't work anymore for women over 40.

6. How to dress like a tramp.

7. How to get people to feel sorry for you. 

8. 5 ways to scare off a new possible boyfriend.

9. 10 ways to make your boyfriend's mother not like you. 

10. How to be uncool when talking to teenagers. 

Notes to Self: 

Longest run this week: 1 hour, 15 minutes (twice!)

Sunset: 6:08 yesterday, which means past 7:00 tonight!

Shout Out: Mandy! Do you still read here? (Also i hope Linda B. if for no other reason than to see Plaid Brian.)

Welcome: MaryAnn, a funny former Gumbo YaYa pal from years back!

All time blog posts: 40,924

Views last month: 1196

Pants on Fire.... Lies I Tell to Myself

It's Friday Night! .... Let's do a Menu of the Day first, how about it?

In my glass: fume blanc again from Ferrari Carneros, or however you spell it, i know i got close. (The same one i had during the Oscars.) I really like this better than the chardonnay.

Book: I am almost done with a book i like called Blame. I am still reading Life of Pi and also the Roosevelt biography.

The worst thing that happened: We got killed on our taxes because of my early retire rehire status. (Turns out I am the youngest person to retire from the WEA so it makes sense that they wouldn't have thought to warn someone collecting retirement before the age of 54.)

I got the same 10% IRS penalty on my full pension withdrawal that people get when they take out of their IRA or 401K. Only four of us were under the age of 59 1/2, but three of them were 55 years old last January and that was key!..... I was the only one who was not. Our taxes were already bad enough since we have no deductions but this really put them over the top. I blame my mom for not  getting pregnant 5 months earlier!!!

Disclaimer about the Worst Thing: i'm just glad to have had the opportunity,  so i'm not too sick about it. However, it could have been a couple of super really nice trips to Hawaii. I try not to think about where i could have spent that money.

Also, here's another thing. I could fix it for 2013 because I still have time to have a baby before this year is over.

Would you give me a baby shower louie if i do? And i want to play stupid shower games too! And i want a pink punch and a jello mold.

The Best Thing that Happened: i bowled a 148. (And the other two games weren't bad either. ) And tonight. I love Fridays when i get to be home! I'm so happy to have a totally unencumbered weekend. I only have to run. Also, this week things are really starting to bloom and look like spring!

Ok, let's do this lying thing. What are lies that you tell yourself so that you feel better, avoid the real issue, wishful thinking, etc. etc.

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1. I blame menopause for so many things. Every time i feel like wanting to kick somebody's ass i blame it on my estrogen levels. I blame my lack of sleep. I blame forgetting if i put the garage door down.

Disclaimer: The truth is I have been this way since i was a toddler. My mom tells the story so often i feel like it's my first memory. My brother Scott was only 11 months younger than i was. When he was a baby about 3 months old i walked over to him in his little bumper seat and leaned over him,  in what looked like to everyone, was to kiss him on the forehead. Instead i bit him on the forehead, so hard that i left little teeth marks.

Also i've never been a good sleeper and i always think i left the garage door open only to find that it's always down when i double back to check. When it's up THEN i will know that it's menopause.

2. I am not going to have that third glass of wine because then i will sleep better.

No Disclaimer. I always have the third glass on the weekends. (And i already said i don't sleep well.)

3. I don't care what people think.

Disclaimer: To some degree this is indeed true. But i only don't care about what people think if they are stupid people. However, some pretty smart people don't like me and i don't like them either and i'm not sure what came first. Do i not like them because i feel like they don't like me? So i think i do care more than i admit to myself.

4. I can't get skin cancer with all of my years of tanning. The truth is i do think about this. And i should stop loving the sun but i don't think i ever will. It goes back to my teenage years of terrible acne. I tried every antibiotic and cream from the dermatologist and nothing cleared it up like the sun. I never feel like i look as good in non-summer months. Total vanity trumps longevity. How stupid is that?

5. I am speaking for other people. Oh, i do this alot! The truth is, sometime i really am because i have people talk to me before and after. However, it's not always true. I tell myself it is. But sometimes i'm just out there talking because something makes ME mad and i would take issue even if i knew no one agreed with me.

Disclaimer: I more often like having credence for my opinions, so i am not that brave to speak up when i am the only one. And i am also not that brave when i know i have back up.

I know i have more, but Brian is coming home and i said i would cook dinner. I'll be back to edit.

6.  It's my mom's fault if i am obnoxious. It's in my DNA but i can't blame everything on her, though i do often. Though this is really true, going off my #3, i really don't care as much what my mom thinks of me, that's how i survived!


Notes to Self:                                                                                                                                    

All time blog posts: 40, 558

Page views yesterday = 29

High temp today: 57 degrees!

Sunset: 5:56 pm!   I didn't leave work until 6 pm and it was so light outside. I think i should have put that as my Best Thing!

Shout Out: Linda B. (who has never posted here, ARE you here?), Cat P., jj

Longest Run this week: 1 hour, 21 minutes